Wicked Ways
by RewindedMiracle
Summary: "Wide awake and falling on your faith." After her death, Gwen Shepard must learn how to rebuild herself. AU. Rated M for future content.
1. Prologue

**A/N:** _So this story had to be done. It's set in ME2 but it's going to be completely AU. I promise. This is not a retelling. Thank you to **Saga Svanhildr** for being my beta. LOVE YOU. lol_

**Wicked Ways**

_Stumble back to where you came from_

_Wide awake and falling on your faith_

_You've got an evil wicked way_

_Of saying I love you, I'd love to_

"_Wicked Ways" by Five Finger Death Punch_

An arm wrapped around his body. Warmth radiated from her as she pressed against him. Kaidan Alenko was a lucky man. She pressed her lips against the bare skin of his back. His fingers curled against hers. Gwen Shepard was his savior. Hell, she was the savior of the Citadel and the rest of the Traverse for stopping Sovereign. He didn't know what kind of man he was before he met her and now that he had her love…there was nothing more that he could ask for. Kaidan turned to face her and was greeted with a beautiful smile.

"You should really go to the deck soon, or the crew will begin to talk," he said softly as he ran his fingers through her bright red hair. Brilliant blue eyes stared at him as she laughed. Gwen leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose.

"The crew is already talking, Alenko," she told him. Heat graced his cheeks. He knew, but part of him didn't want to admit it. He was still expecting a flag for fraternization. They had spent every moment together since the night before Illos. Maybe he should be more surprised if the crew wasn't talking.

"Ah, well…let them talk then."

She closed her eyes and snuggled closer to him. "Besides, I don't want to go just yet."

He kissed the top of her head and had to smile despite himself. "Commander," he said softly, "the sooner we figure out why those ships went missing, the sooner we can take our shore leave.' She pulled back to look at him. Surprise graced her features and she smiled. Oh, that smile. He would never get enough of it.

"Why, LT," she started, trying to suppress the smile, "I'm shocked."

"I can be surprising." He winked at her and she kissed him. He didn't want her to go now that she was ready to leave the bed.

"I like it." Gwen rolled out of the bed and pulled her uniform on. "I expect to see you up there soon, Alenko." She gave him one last look before he watched her disappear from her quarters.

Kaidan lay on his back as he stared at the ceiling. Something was definitely bothering her. He hadn't wanted to ask what it was because he didn't want to make her upset. Well, that and he figured if she wanted to talk, she would. He sat up in the bed and heard a low thrumming sound vibrate through the ship. His eyebrows furrowed together for a moment as yelling started outside of the cabin. He got up quickly when he heard Joker over the comm warning for the crew to brace themselves for impact. What the hell was going on?

The ship shook and he started to put on his suit. If they were under fire, they needed to be prepared. He paused and braced himself against the wall as the Normandy shook again. The scent of burning metal and dense smoke rose. He completely forgot about worrying about the crew and thought of Gwen. He had to get to her.

Kaidan raced through the halls, hoping to reach the command deck quickly. Liara stopped him as she cried out his name. "Where's Gwen?" He asked hurriedly.

"Sending a distress signal," the Asari told him.

He nodded quickly. "Get to the escape shuttles, quickly," he said.

"Kaidan," she started, but he was already moving again. He turned to look at her.

"Go!" He yelled and continued to look for the Commander. The fires seemed to grow as the minutes ticked by. He could hear the canon fire from whoever was attacking them hit the Normandy. Dead bodies littered the path, but he found her exactly where Liara had said she would be. "Shepard!"

"Beacon's done." She finished with the signal and turned to face him, helmet already on, preparing for the worst, he supposed. He put his on as well. "You need to get to the shuttles, Kaidan," she said. He didn't listen. He grabbed a fire extinguisher instead to try to put out the fire. He didn't know why. He just felt like he had to help somehow. "Please…"

"Will the Alliance be here in time?"

"They damn well better be," even with the helmet on he could picture the smile in her voice. "Now, I'm not kidding, Kaidan, get to the damned escape shuttles! I'm not going to tell you again!" There went her commanding presence. He didn't want to move. He wanted to disobey his commanding officer's orders just this once.

His head whipped to the side to look at her. "Joker's still in the cockpit," he told her, "he won't abandon ship." Kaidan paused. "I'm not going either."

"I'll get Joker and we'll get to an escape shuttle, you worry too much Kaidan."

"Gwen…"

"I gave you an order, Lieutenant," she said sharply.

He screamed at himself to disobey. Kaidan sighed. "Just get to a shuttle when you get him," he said. "Please."

* * *

><p>Gwen ran until she reached the navigation area of the command deck. One of the attacks had breached the hull. No sound, just emptiness before her. She looked up to see a ship's silhouette against the planet. Her heart pounded against her chest. She had never seen a ship like that before. What the…a few escape shuttles jettisoned passed her vision. At least some of the crew had been able to escape with their lives. She looked away and continued her trek to find Joker.<p>

She saw the kinetic barrier and moved slowly against the wall as she tried to make sure that she wouldn't be sucked out into space. Gwen walked through the barrier to Joker's side. "What do you think you're doing?" She asked over his distress calls.

"I'm not leaving the Normandy," he told her. Stubbornness was etched into his features. She placed a hand on his arm gently.

"I'm not leaving you alone either," she said. "The Normandy's lost. Don't lose your life with her."

He sighed heavily. "Alright," he agreed, "help me-" His sentence was cut short with a sequence of rapid fire beeping. "Shit! They're coming back for another attack!"

Gwen cursed under her breath and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she helped him out of the helm to the escape pods. They weren't going to sit around like ducks waiting to get spaced. "Are you okay?" She asked him.

"Besides the wounded ego, just fine, Commander," Joker said, "and might I add, excellent time for this little talk. Though it's a shitty distraction from what's about to happen." He was ever the cheery one. It had almost made her forget about the ship looming over them.

Gwen let out a small laugh as she guided her friend into the escape shuttle. As soon as Joker made it inside the ship rocked again. What was left of the ship behind her gave away to the fire as it broke free. The sudden motion pulled her back, throwing her from the entrance.

"Gwen!" Joker yelled. "No!" He moved to try to help her.

"Stay back!" She ordered. Please God, make him stay back.

She couldn't lose him. She had lost so many people already. She tried to save anyone that she could. Failure was never an option, but it seemed to be her fate. Gwen wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry. Acceptance was the first step to peace.

"Gwen!" He cried out for her again. His face was wretched with pain, loss and regret. He was sure of her fate as well. She wished that she could offer him some witty retort just to see him smile, for that to be one of her last memories.

She grabbed onto a ledge and with her free hand, she slammed her fist against the controls of the escape shuttle to send Joker off. "I'm sorry," she said to no one in particular.

She watched the shuttle shoot off from crumbling ship. Thrown from the fragments, she had nowhere to go. She watched as the last shuttle jettisoned away from the Normandy. She felt herself floating. Gwen turned to see the planet beneath her. Panic encased her. Her hands went to her suit's helmet as she tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge. _Damn__it_, she thought. She didn't want to die. _Kaidan__… __oh__Kaidan._ She hoped that he wouldn't blame himself. She hoped that none of them would.

Her chest heaved up and down quickly. The oxygen in her suit would run out. While she hoped for a quick death without fire, she could start to feel the medigel pumping into her system to keep her alive. She tried to stop it. She didn't want to prolong her dying. She didn't want to live through the pain only to die as her body burned through the planet's atmosphere. In the fleet, one would hear horror stories of getting spaced. Gwen Shepard had never thought that she would be the one to experience it. The Normandy's wreckage flew past her and when it was only a few clicks away they started to burn.

She was getting closer. She was going to burn. Every fiber of her being told her to fight. She needed to try despite hopeless odds. It was her nature to do so, but her fate was inescapable. Gwen closed her eyes as the heat took over. Fire roared in her eyes and she screamed.

* * *

><p>Coldness crawled against his skin. Numbness plagued him. Kaidan couldn't watch as Captain Anderson stepped to the podium to speak the final words. He looked away and closed his eyes. They had searched for days among the Normandy's wreckage to find Shepard's body, but she was nowhere to be found. The empty casket that was lowered into the ground seemed like a hollow homage to the Commander. He brought up a hand to wipe away the dampness against his cheeks.<p>

"Gwen Shepard was like a daughter to me. She was a warrior. She showed us what the human race is capable of. When we look to the stars, we will always remember everything that she did for us. We can only hope that one day; we will rise to her standards." Anderson's voice was strained, pained by the loss of a loved one. Kaidan could relate.

A chorus of 'amen' vibrated around him. His eyes slowly opened as he looked up to see the Captain staring at him. His head nodded slowly. Eyes slowly turned to him, the known lover of their beloved Commander, and his face crumpled. It was his fault she died. If he would have stayed, she could've gotten to the escape shuttle faster. If he hadn't distracted her, she would have known something was wrong…

He would have given anything to hear her laugh again, to see her smile, to hold her against him. This couldn't be real. She couldn't be dead. Maybe…maybe some how she survived. She was unstoppable. Not even death could stand in her way. "Gwen," he groaned as he buried his face in his hands.

He loved her. Kaidan had felt like they could've been together for the rest of their days. Hell, he could have married her if she would have him. He just…he just…wanted her. Things weren't going to be alright. Those around him rose as the ceremonial trumpet blared a sad tune signaling the first shovel of dirt hitting the coffin. It should have been him who died. Not her.

He was the last to leave the procession. He leaned against the chair and stared at the freshly made grave. Acceptance was not an option. Acceptance meant that this whole thing was real.

"It's time to go, son." Kaidan almost jumped at the sound of Anderson's voice. He sighed heavily.

"Could I have done anything to stop it? Joker said…she was alone. She died saving him. If I didn't listen-"

"Then you would have been dead with her," Anderson interrupted him.

"I don't see how that could be any worse," Kaidan said as he stood up. "At least she wouldn't have been alone." His jaw tightened as he stared at the older man. His heart was broken and he didn't know how it could mend.

* * *

><p>The following months weren't kind to him.<p>

He had taken time off to keep to himself, to mend and drown himself in alcohol. It soothed him; eased his pain. It was better to be numb than to feel, which he was sure would kill him. His friends tried to get him to go out, but he wouldn't. He refused to. He punched one of them after he said that he was being too emotional over Gwen's death. No. No he wasn't. He thought he had found everything he wanted with Shepard. It wasn't easy to let go.

Kaidan finally ventured out, after half a year, but only to visit her grave site. He laid down a bouquet of daisies, her favorite flower, and knelt down. Grass had already grown over the grave. Her white marble tombstone was still a slap in the face. He leaned in and his fingers grazed the etched lettering of her name.

"Anderson's ready to kick my ass," he told her, knowing the amusement she would get. "You'd probably be the first to start the betting pool." His shoulders slumped and his heart felt like it was slowly sinking, making its way down to the pit of his stomach. "He pulled some strings and made me a Spectre candidate. The Council thinks it's a good idea. I would be the logical choice, right? Having served under you…" He brought up a hand and rubbed his temples as a migraine threatened to take over. Not now. Not during his time with her.

"I, um…" He felt a sob choke him before he left out a cough. "I've decided to accept. I know… I know it's what you would have wanted." It was a chance for him to do something that made him feel close to her again. If that was the best that he was going to get then he would take it. "I'll never forget you Shepard. I hope you're at peace, wherever you are." He swallowed hard and sucked in a sharp breath, wincing as he did so. "I love you."

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile at an undisclosed location…<em>

"Commander Shepard has been recovered," a dark haired woman spoke. She moved around the enclosed bed with the remains of the Savior of the Citadel laying behind the glass. Devices poked and prodded as the reconstruction began. The dark haired woman crossed her arms in front of her body as she watched her assistant program the machines' next steps. "The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned."

"This is a waste of time, Miranda."

Whether or not that was true remained to be seen. Miranda had respect for the woman's accomplishments, but that was as far as the respect went. Cerberus had lost too many facilities and precious research at the hands of Shepard. She had cost the organization so much, Miranda wondered if it was even worth saving her. But who was she to argue with the Illusive Man? He had never steered them wrong before, why would he start now? Still, she didn't like the idea of possibly serving under the Commander. This was her show, not the dead woman's.

"The Illusive Man doesn't seem to think so, Wilson, so neither should you. We need her." A hologram projected upwards from the glass showing what was left of Shepard's heart. Miranda watched as it slowly started to beat.

Needles poked the charred remains, injecting fluids that would cause the damaged cellular tissue to grow again. Other needles pumped blood into Shepard's system. Most of the skeleton had been saved; anything that was missing would be replaced with synthetics, top of the line, of course. The Illusive Man was putting more than enough money into the project to ensure that it was so. The space station wasn't an ideal place for Miranda to do her work, but this was her baby. This project would save the human race. They needed the bloody icon that Gwen Shepard was for whatever reason.

"What do we do about her Biotics?" Wilson asked.

She had almost forgotten about Shepard's abilities. Probably reckless, brash, and without thought. Miranda wasn't a woman that acted on impulse, but Shepard on the other hand… well not everyone who was designed for greatness actually achieved it, she thought bitterly. Her nose wrinkled slightly. Despite her feelings, Shepard had to be top notch. Perhaps even better than Miranda herself.

"Has the implant survived?"

"Barely."

Miranda shook her head. "Upgrade."

Wilson looked at her dumbfounded. "Do you realize how much that will cost?"

"Yes, now do it," she ordered. She sat down at the computer on the far side of the room. She needed to look over Shepard's file again, study it. Miranda was convinced that if she couldn't get Gwen to fight for them, she would have to use any means necessary. She flipped through the pages until something very interesting caught her attention. "Kaidan Alenko," she whispered under her breath. Very interesting.

One eyebrow rose as she read about the relationship he had with Shepard. If she couldn't convince her to join Cerberus, she would have to use Alenko as leverage. Ah, but he was in candidacy for Spectre status. It could be harder than she thought, but Miranda never backed down from a challenge. She wondered how rumors of Shepard being alive would be received. Well, once she was, and Miranda would make damn sure of it, she would be the one to leak it to the Citadel. The Illusive Man would be proud, wouldn't he? It'd be a way to draw out whoever was behind the missing colonies and hurdle Cerberus into a position respected by the Council.

"Vital signs are showing good progress," she heard Wilson announce.

"Estimated completion time?" Miranda asked as she leaned back in her chair.

"Two years."


	2. Awakening

**A/N**: _Thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted this, and favorited! It means a lot. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :D_

Wicked Ways

_I'm at war with the world cause I_

_Ain't never gonna sell my soul_

_I've already made up my mind_

_No matter what I can't be bought or sold_

_When my faith is getting weak_

_And I feel like giving in_

_You breathe into me again_

"_Awake and Alive" by Skillet_

The darkness of the club suited him well. He didn't want to be found. He certainly didn't want a conversation, though the blaring music took care of any possibility of anyone wanting to talk. Most patrons in the bar were there for the dancers, Joker was there for the solitude. How could one find solitude in a mass crowd? Well it was easy when no one was paying attention to you except for the bartender that supplied endless amounts of alcohol. It was the kind of situation that suited him just fine. He lifted up a hand to signal for another drink. It would be his last, he made up his mind, before he headed home.

"Joker?" Ah, the familiar voice definitely made him know this would be his last drink.

The pilot…or rather ex pilot looked up from his drink to see Kaidan Alenko standing before him. Of all the places for the Spectre to be, Chora's Den was not the place Jeff had expected to find one. He raised an eyebrow at him. "Been a year, Alenko, nice to see you," he greeted him as if he was an old friend and why not? He and Kaidan had served on the Normandy together for a long time, though Kaidan had blamed him at first about what happened to Shepard. You'd think that would be cause for a little strain in their relationship. The bartender…he forgot her name…set a drink down before him and he cradled it gently in his hands.

"You still grounded?" He asked as he took a seat next to him. Wouldn't he know? Big shot Spectres were suppose to know everything weren't they? Whoa, where did that bitterness come from? Ah, he knew where. Deep down the resentment he held for his _friend _could no longer be contained for Gwen's benefit.

Joker turned away and paid attention to the drink in his hands. He took a long swig as he tossed his head back. Why was he even talking to him? The old crew had all gone their separate ways. Liara left. Tali went back to the Flotilla. Wrex went to Tuchanka. Garrus went…well he didn't know where the hell the Turian went but that wasn't the point. He supposed that there was no reason for them all to stick together. The glue that held them together had been Gwen and she was gone.

Joker's biggest regret was never telling her how he felt about her. He knew that she had Kaidan but even then the man before him never really realized what he had. He turned his head to look at the Spectre and sighed.

"Yeah," he replied, "been trying to convince them to let me fly again but my opinions on what happened that night…" He shook his head. "Damn politics." He wanted to give him something witty. He wanted a smart retort but nothing came. He just wasn't himself. Not since she died. No one was.

"Maybe I can-" Joker held up a hand to stop Kaidan from continuing.

"Thanks but no thanks Alenko. I don't need your charity," he said before getting up.

"Joker it's not-" Again, he had to interrupt him. Sometimes he wondered if Kaidan just liked to hear himself talk. Well, he knew the same could be said a lot about himself but he didn't care. He was past giving two fucks about what anyone still working for the Alliance had to say, especially after being on the Normandy.

"You don't need to lie to me either. I've been around you long enough to know," he replied. He started to walk away and that's when he heard Kaidan's next question.

"Is this because of Gwen?" Simple words were stranded together in a very simple question. The only thing that had deigned to make it complicated was her name. It was louder than the rest of the music, to him at least, and it was like a punch to the gut. It made Joker want to double over but instead he chose to hold on to the bar top to steady himself. "You aren't the only one affected by her death."

There it was. The only thing the two of them had in common anymore. Jeff turned around to face Kaidan. Fury pulsated through every fiber of his being. He wanted to show Alenko what a punch really felt like but he knew all he would really do was hurt himself more. "Neither were you," he said.

"Tell me, how was that date with the doctor?"

Kaidan seemed surprised that he even knew about it. Yeah, news travelled fast. Logically, Joker knew that it wasn't even any of his business but he couldn't help but throw it in the other mans' face because he was able to do something Joker just couldn't. Move on. Though the pain that showed after he mentioned it on Kaidan's face told him that the Spectre was far from being over Gwen Shepard.

"It's not what you think," he started but then Kaidan paused. "I don't have to explain myself to you." He was right. He didn't but Joker didn't care.

"You so kindly told me Gwen's death was my fault and you know what?" He took in a deep breath. "I would have rather died on the Normandy if it meant Shepard would still be alive."

"Joker…"

He had definitely had enough. "Don't," he warned him. "Don't make the mistake in thinking you were the only one who loved her."

* * *

><p>They were fucking kidding him. They had to be. Joker crossed his arms in front of his body as he listened to the dark haired woman speak to him. What was her name? Marie? Miranda? Yes. Miranda. The way she swiveled her hips in front of him told him that she knew that he wasn't easily swayed. Why did Cerberus of all people want him? Need him as she so lovingly put it. To be honest, he wasn't even listening to half the shit she was trying to say to him…until she mentioned Shepard.<p>

Joker looked up quickly. Miranda raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Now that I have your attention Mr. Moreau, I would like to inform you that we indeed do have Shepard's body in this facility and no, you may not see her until we know you aren't a security risk."

"You're shitting me," he said. "You don't really have her."

Miranda turned away and he felt like throwing something at her. "Come see for yourself if you'd like." He watched her start to walk off and he hesitated. Jeff knew that he shouldn't follow. She could just be lying and waiting to catch him off his guard before she spaces him just to have a 'ah ha you Alliance prick we've got you now' moment. He made a face. Well his imagination certainly liked to run off at times, didn't it? Ah, to hell with it, he followed her.

She led him to a room that over looked a med bay and that's when he saw her through the glass window. Her red hair was unmistakable but the shade was wrong. It was darker and dull but it was definitely her face. There was no denying that. Joker frowned as he looked at the glass encasing that she was in. "Is she alive?" He asked.

"Barely," Miranda answered next to him.

"What's that suppose to mean?" He asked with an eyebrow raised.

The dark haired woman sighed and crossed her arms in front of her body. "It means with time and a lot of effort, your precious Shepard will be up and running again. Perhaps even better than she was before." Joker's eyes narrowed at her. "Relax. We're taking good care of her. I promise you."

He looked away back to Shepard and wished that she would open her eyes. "Why does Cerberus want her?"

"Tell me Mr. Moreau, have you heard of the missing colonies?"

"No. I don't hear much of what's going on lately." Wasn't that the truth? He just kept to himself. What did he care about Alliance business? They liked to take care of all of that shit, so let them. They stopped including him when they didn't want to put a further investigation on the ship that had attacked the Normandy.

"There are human colonies that are being wiped out. Everyone goes missing. We don't know who's behind the attacks but we do know something." Now she was just pulling his leg.

"And what's that?" His voice was dry but he didn't even bother to look at her. Her answer would either make him leave or stay. Her silence let him know that she had known that.

"These attacks started the day the Normandy was taken out." Now she had his attention again. He whirled around to face her. Was that why the Council hadn't wanted to look into it? Is that why the Alliance blocked any questions that he had about it? He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn't find the words. Miranda looked satisfied by his reaction. Good for her. He needed to think. Ah, yes. He could see it. He knew why they had Shepard now.

"So you think Shepard can stop whoever is behind it?" He asked. Joker let out a short snort of a laugh. "Yeah, you and everyone else. Someone always wanted something from her."

"Could you think of anyone better for this?" Miranda asked. Her voice rose slightly and her hip jutted to the side. Joker noted the defense position she was taking.

Honestly, he couldn't think of anyone better. He nodded slowly. He knew why they wanted him too. Gwen was not going to be happy knowing that her life was in the hands of Cerberus. He looked down for a moment and thought to hell with the Alliance. If Cerberus was going to let him fly…and be around Gwen again then he was game. He shrugged one shoulder and tilted his head to the side slightly when he asked, "Where do I sign up?"

* * *

><p>There hadn't been a day since Joker had joined Cerberus that he wasn't watching Gwen's progress. He looked down from the room Miranda had brought him too when he first saw her weeks ago. He watched Miranda and her team work on Shepard. They were getting closer, they said, closer to her being stabilized to where she could leave her encasing. They said that she was healing faster than they could have ever expected. Ah, that was Gwen for you.<p>

A small smile crossed his face as he thought about her waking up. She was going to be pissed. She would see working for Cerberus wasn't that bad, right? Hell, everyone had their own reasons for doing the things that they did. He nodded to himself in mid thought. Yeah, they did and whatever she wanted to do after waking up, he'd be there with her. It was the least that he could do. She didn't deserve to wake up in a place where she knew and trusted no one.

Cerberus wasn't that bad though. He had met pretty decent people by anyone's standards. Miranda was ok, though Joker would never say anything bad about her in hearing distance because he was pretty sure that she could kick his ass. Jacob wasn't so bad. A little too Alliance for his taste, even for working with Cerberus. Kelly was nice but in small doses.

Joker lifted his hat and ran his hand through his hair for a moment. He was ready to turn away when he saw something he hadn't expected to see just yet. Shepard moved. She fucking moved. He watched as her hands stirred. Her fingers gripped the table she was laying on. He watched as her face turned into a painful scowl as her eyes opened. After that Miranda had gotten in the way of him seeing what was going on. He pressed his hands against the glass as he could hear monitors and other shit that she was hooked up to start to go off.

"Do something!" He yelled even though they couldn't hear him. He banged against the glass and cursed when pain shot through his arms. She couldn't die. Not again. She couldn't do that to him again. He couldn't handle it. "Damn it!" He yelled. His heart pounded against his chest as he watched Miranda struggle with Gwen.

His throat tightened as he watched Shepard tense up and then go limp. Sedation. Good. But was it enough? The monitors stopped beeping and if he knew how to read those damned things, he was sure that he would have more peace of mind but he wasn't that lucky.

Miranda turned and looked up at Joker. Did she seem worried? She walked over to the intercom and pressed a finger against the button before he heard her voice in the room he was in. "She's okay, Joker," she told him. "We hadn't thought she would wake up just yet but she's stabilized and sleeping." He nodded as he looked down at her, to let her know that he heard her.

She looked like she had wanted to say something else but instead walked away to continue her work. Jeff sighed heavily and closed his eyes. He brought up a hand to his cheek to feel the heat that had raised fight the cold wetness against his cheek.

* * *

><p>He had to get to her.<p>

Joker was never good with shooting or any extraneous activities but he was a man on a mission as he did his best to avoid any mechs that would probably stop him. People were dying around him. Some cried out for him but he couldn't stop. He couldn't look at them even to give an apologetic glance. His face was not the last thing they needed to see before they died. Miranda told him to make sure Shepard would get up, it seemed the fearless Commander wasn't responding to her over the intercom. Well how the hell did she expect that Gwen would?

He shook his head as he pushed himself against a wall to avoid a mech that was coming close to him. He moved quietly, and quickly mind you, down the hall until he reached the door that the lead to the lab where Shepard was being held. He entered the code to open the door quickly. He looked behind him to make sure that he wasn't being followed and when he looked into the room he was greeted with the sight of Gwen, fully armored and a pistol pointing at him. She fired a few shots and Joker started to feel around his body.

"What the shit, Shepard!" He yelled before heard the loud clunk of metal hitting the ground. He turned to see mechs lying around him. He looked back at Gwen and gave her a sheepish look. "I guess thank you would be appropriate right now."

She raised an eyebrow. "You think?" She asked as she made her way towards him. He watched as she paused and winced in pain.

"You okay?" He asked as he moved to her side.

"Where the hell am I Joker? The last thing I remember is sending your ass off in an escape shuttle," she said. Her voice was husky, lower than he remembered but he had no time to focus on little things like that. He was just happy to see that she was alive.

He pulled her into a hug. Despite the situation that they were in, he couldn't help it. "Ow," he said as she hugged him back, "not too hard." It was nice to hear the small but faint laugh that escaped her. "I'll tell you everything when we get out of here. You're not going to believe me when I tell you now."

"Are more of those mechs coming?" She asked. He nodded. "Stay close to me and tell me where to go to get off this place."

"You got it, Commander."

Gwen turned to look at him, blue eyes stern as she did so. "I promise nothing will happen to you." He knew. He trusted her. He just wished that he was the one that could make that promise.

"It's good to have you back," he told her softly.

The corners of her lips twitched in a smile but it soon faded with the urgency to leave as Miranda reminded them over the intercom system for them to do so. "She's a bit bossy, isn't she?" Gwen asked.

Joker laughed. "You'll get along just fine."

He followed the Commander through the base, directing her which was to go where they were expected to meet Miranda. Along the way they came across Wilson and Jacob. The two were fighting off mechs when Shepard came in and hit the mechs with a shockwave, accompanied with several pistol shots. Jacob turned to see Joker and Gwen standing there.

"Damn girl, you are good," the dark skinned man said with a relieved laughed. Jacob was surprised that she had been up while Wilson had been more surprised that she was alive. Joker narrowed his eyes at the older man, who looked away quickly. Something wasn't right. "If Miranda woke you up then this is more serious than I thought," Jacob said.

"Such is my life," she replied. "You know how to get us out of here?"

He nodded. "Just down that way and up the elevator. We'll get to where we need to."

Gwen reloaded her pistol. "Good," she said. "Now. I have another question before we go." Joker watched as she pointed her gun directly at Jacob's head. "Where the hell am I?" Joker rolled his eyes. It seemed like she wasn't going to wait for him to tell her.

"You mean he didn't tell you?" He asked.

Shepard glanced behind her at Joker and he sighed. "Cerberus, Shepard," he said. "We're in one of their facilities." Angers flashed across her features. He had seen that look plenty of times. He had always wondered what it would be like to be under that gaze but he had never really thought that he'd be on the receiving end of it.

She looked like she wanted to say something but instead she pointed her gun at Wilson. "Don't move," she ordered. "You and I both know that I don't need this weapon to tear you apart." The older man nodded.

"What do you think you're doing?" Jacob asked.

Shepard ignored him. Her glare focused on Wilson. Did she know something that they didn't? Joker thought that was a little impossible but after the past two years he had decided that he would never doubt the impossible anymore. Many people thought Shepard was dead and would be saying the same thing when they found out that she was alive.

"Miranda let me know of a little thing that she discovered before Joker came to get me, would you like to enlighten them, Wilson?" Gwen asked.

"They were suppose to get to you before the cripple-" His eyes popped open and Gwen's biotics flared around her body before she used throw against Wilson and launched him across the room where he smacked into the wall with a sickening crack. The biotic flare around her calmed and he watched her shudder slightly.

"Don't you ever say that about him," Joker barely heard Gwen as she said that but he had to admit that he was surprised by her actions. She cleared her throat. "Miranda's waiting for us at the shuttle. Let's go."


	3. Scars of the Various Kind

**A/N:**_ Sorry for this coming out later than I had planned! Seriously I was having troubles signing in. I hope you guys like this chapter. Thank you to all who have reviewed/alerted/favorited. It means a lot. Thank you to neontoasterx for reading this over and making sure I wasn't a grammar fail like I thought I was lol_

Wicked Ways

_Leave the lost and dead behind_

_Now's your chance to run for cover_

_I don't wanna change the world_

_I just wanna leave it colder_

_Light the fuse and burn it up_

_Take the path that leads to nowhere_

_All is lost again but I'm not giving in_

"_I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin_

The Illusive Man. Gwen was not impressed. She had met with him, did what he asked with Freedom's Progress, saw Tali, and was introduced to the new Normandy. She had to hand over Veetor's omni tool data, but what she didn't tell the others was that she made a copy for herself. Something just screamed at her that she was going to need it later. She sighed heavily as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her fingers ran over her scars gently and she closed her eyes. Chakwas said that it was due to her waking up earlier than planned. How did the good doctor even end up here? Why was Joker here? She opened her eyes slowly. She had been dead for two years. It seemed that a lot had happened. But what did she expect? It wasn't like everyone was going to stop what they were doing because she was dead.

Gwen moved away from the mirror in her bathroom to sit down at her private terminal in her bedroom. She sifted through the messages until she saw a name that made her heart clench. Anderson. Despite the anxious feeling building inside her, she couldn't help but smile. He knew she was alive. That was good. That was really good. She knew she had to see him. She would see him. She typed a quick response.

_Anderson,_

_I wasn't expecting to get your message but I'm so glad that I did. I'm coming to see you as soon as I can. I won't waste any more time… I need to talk to you. I don't know what to do._

It wasn't her first message that she had sent from the terminal. No, her first message had been to Kaidan. Her eyes went to the photo she had of him and she sighed heavily. It was the hope that she had a response from him that made her check her messages but she always found that hope crushed when she didn't see his name. Gwen clicked on her outbox. Ten messages. She had sent him ten messages. She forced down the lump that was forming in her throat. In all rights she should be called desperate for it. Maybe she was. She needed Kaidan to know that she was alive. For all she knew he could have moved on. He could be happy. She would be opening old wounds… but she didn't care.

She wanted to hear that from him, even if it would break her heart. She needed to know how he was. Gwen ran her hands through her red hair and leaned back in her chair as she opened up the latest message that she had sent him.

_Kaidan,_

_I don't know why you haven't responded but this will be my last message. I can take a hint. I just wanted to know if you were happy. I'm sorry._

Short and sweet. It was how she wanted it, mostly because she was afraid of what she would have said if the email had been longer. She sighed heavily. "Damn it Kaidan," she muttered under her breath. She leaned back in her chair. "EDI link me with Joker."

"Yes, Commader," the AI said as Gwen pulled out the dossier files that the Illusive Man had given her. They were first going after this scientist and whoever Archangel was. Omega. It was a place she had never been to but had always wondered about it.

"What's up, Shepard?" Joker's voice entered her room.

"Take us to the Citadel," she said.

"I thought we were going to Omega."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "We're taking a pit stop."

"That's an out of the way pit stop.'

"Joker, _please_," she begged him softly.

"Rerouting course."

"Thank you," she said before closing the communication link between the two of them.

Gwen buried her hands in her face for a moment before she ran her hands down her face. Her eyes went wide for a moment. She was acting on impulse but it was the only thing that she could do. Logic be damned.

* * *

><p>No one wanted to follow her.<p>

Maybe it was the mood she was in. Maybe it was because they were at the Citadel. Hell, she didn't know. It could've been a long list of reasons why they opted to stay behind but that was fine with her. Gwen preferred to be alone to see him. She didn't need a couple of Cerberus operatives with her for this visit. That wouldn't have gone over well. She stood in front of Captain Anderson's office in the Embassies. Excuse her, Councilor Anderson per her nomination of him to be the human representative on the Council. She bit her lower lip and told herself that it wouldn't take much just to leave but she couldn't do that to her old captain. Too many people had seen her and she owed him so much more than that.

As Gwen opened the door, Anderson turned around to face her. She could see the surprise on his face. She opened her mouth for some witty retort but nothing came out. Instead she went to his side and pulled him into a hug. It was informal but she didn't care. The man had been like a father to her, a father that she never had. What was even more shocking to her was that he returned the gesture. Gwen pulled back and told herself that she wasn't going to cry but damn it, it was hard.

"Shepard," he started and she smiled at him. The relief, the happiness, the emotions that rolled off him as he said her name was heartwarming, truly and she wondered why she hadn't come by sooner.

"Sorry I'm late."

"Better late than never," he told her. Yeah, she was sure of that. Her heart pounded against her chest. Her hands twitched in anticipation for what he had to say. "Are the rumors true?" He asked quietly.

Gwen tilted her head to the side for a moment and sighed. "It depends on what the rumors are."

"That you're working for Cerberus."

She moved away from him to the edge of the balcony that looked over several of the skywalks that connected the buildings of the Presidium. Her fingers gripped the railing and she closed her eyes. "I wouldn't say that I'm working for them," she said before her eyes opened and she turned to face them. "They came looking for me and rebuilt me. Is anyone on the Citadel or with the Alliance able to say that?" She paused and swallowed hard as she realized the pain that flickered across her features. She hadn't stopped to think how her death had affected those close to her. "There's something big happening," she told him. "The Reapers aren't quitting. They're using the Collector's to take human colonies. Whole human colonies, Anderson. Why hasn't the Alliance or the Council done anything about it?"

The Councilor placed his hands behind his back as he seemed to think about what she said. If anyone believed her about the Reapers on this station, it was him. "The Collectors?" He asked. "Is there proof? You know I need something to bring to the rest of the Council."

She let out a small, bitter laugh. "It's not like they'll see me right?" He didn't have to say anything. She pulled out the datapad she had taken from the Normandy with her that had Veetor's information on it. "It's all here but I don't need the Council… I just need you."

"There is something I can do for you," he agreed as he took the datapad. Good. "I can give you back your Spectre status. It's not much but it should help you in the Terminus Systems."

"News travels fast, doesn't it?" she asked. She held up a hand to stop him from answering her. She didn't want to know. "Thank you, though. It means a lot."

He shook his head. "I wish I could do more." She didn't respond. "It really is good to know you're alive." She offered him a small smile. It was the best that she could do. She watched him glance around and then he took a step closer to her. "With this information, maybe I can convince the others that the threat is real."

"I doubt it's enough proof," she told him. "If I find anything more that can prove that I'm still me, I will send it to you, that I promise…" Her voice trailed off for a moment. "I'm going to stop these attacks."

"How?"

"I'm gathering a team," she told him. "It'll be a damn good one." Or so help her… "We'll be going through the Omega 4 Relay to make sure this all ends." Her voice had grown cold and sharp as she spoke the last words. Honestly, she didn't expect to make it out alive. Part of her wasn't sure if she wanted to or not. Not until she found Kaidan again and got answers.

Anderson grabbed her arm. "What?" He yelled. "Don't you dare. People don't come back from that Relay. It's suicide." She knew and the way she looked at him told him exactly that. He withdrew his hands slowly. "Why? Why does it have to be you?"

Gwen winced slightly. "I keep asking myself that," she replied.

The older man nodded as he stood before her. "Just don't be a damn fool Shepard," he said. "The galaxy needs you whether you would like to believe it or not." She looked away from him and ran a hand down her face, feeling the etching of her scars along her jaw. "Do they hurt?"

She looked back at him. "Yes." A lump threatened to form in her throat but she pushed it down. Weakness would not be tolerated. She didn't know if her scars would ever heal but she knew it would be a burden that she would have to bear because she just couldn't stay dead.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Shepard." The pain in his voice made her wonder if she'd receive the same pity wherever she went because of the scars.

"How's Kaidan?" She asked in a low voice.

"You haven't tried to contact him?" Her mentor seemed shocked at the news. Her eyes watered. Damn it. She looked up at the older man and frowned.

"Of course I have," she told him. "I've sent him so many damn messages but haven't gotten anything in return. I've tried to tell him everything that's been going on but it seems he can't get passed the Cerberus thing…" Her voice trailed off. "I never wanted to hurt him. I just… I just wanted to see him again."

"Shepard… I…" Before he could say anything she stood up. She didn't want to hear it because her heart hurt too much.

"It was nice catching up, Anderson, but I have to get back," she said as she made a motion with her thumb to the door behind her. In all honesty, she just didn't want to face the emotions that were looming between the two.

He nodded. "Where are you going next?"

Gwen was amused. "Promise not to send the Alliance after me?"

"Maybe to keep your ass in line."

"I've got recruiting to do on Omega," she told him before started to leave. "I'll keep in contact. I promise."

* * *

><p>"You can come out now."<p>

Kaidan winced as he heard Anderson talking to him. How did he know if Gwen was coming back or not? He couldn't believe she was alive. He couldn't believe that she was working with Cerberus. That…that was like a kick to the teeth. He moved out of the spot where he had so cowardly hid himself when Gwen walked in. He had thought for sure that she would see him when she walked to the balcony but luck seemed to be on his side. His shoulders slumped slightly as he looked at Anderson. What did the man expect him to say?

"You're a damn fool boy," Anderson snapped at him. "Why haven't you contacted her back?"

Kaidan's eyes narrowed slightly at the Councilor. He shook his head. "I haven't received anything from her," he said almost breathlessly. She was lying. Part of him knew better but she was with Cerberus now. He didn't know who she was or what they could have done to the Gwen that he knew.

"So why would she say that?"

He knew better than to argue with Anderson knowing the close relationship and protectiveness that he had over Gwen. Still… the retort was hanging on the tip of his tongue waiting and ready to be spoken. "Maybe it's a ploy for Cerberus to get a Spectre to do their dirty work," he said. "Well, another one that is, since you just handed one right to them." He lifted an arm towards the door, hoping to God that Shepard didn't come back through it.

"What's wrong with you?" Anderson asked. The tone he had taken was one that Kaidan had never heard from him before. He opened his mouth to respond but the dear councilor wasn't going to give him that chance. "You spent all that time grieving her. You spent all that time in your own personal hell after she died…only to say shit like that when she comes back? I would strip you of every rank and status you have if I could. You're lucky, Alenko. Damn lucky."

His jaw tightened as he wondered what would be protocol in handling the situation that he found himself in. "I don't trust them."

"Or you don't trust her?"

Kaidan's mouth gaped open. "Of course I do. It's just-"

"Just what, Alenko?" His eyes narrowed at him and Anderson cocked his head slightly to the side as if he was challenging him. God damn it. He didn't need a lecture at the moment. He was still reeling from seeing Gwen.

His shoulders slumped as he admitted defeat. "What do you want me to do?"

Anderson let out a small snort of a laugh. "If you're half the man I know you are, you already know."

Kaidan drew in a sharp breath as he threw his hands up in the air. "Fine," he said and headed for the exit.

He quickly followed the route towards C-Sec. He could feel his palms start to sweat as he thought about coming face to face with Gwen again. His thoughts raced as he tried to pick out what would be the best things to say but all that kept repeating was the word 'Cerberus.' Damn it. How could she betray everything they fought against? The experiments they did without a second thought and knowing that Cerberus had been behind the incident on Akuze had plagued Gwen with guilt and nightmares. He had been there for her. He had been the one at her side in the mess when she needed a drink when she couldn't sleep. Now she was supporting them.

He knew she had reasons. He had heard them in his cowardice as he hid from her. What if they were just using the threat of the Reapers against her? He'd make her see. He'd get her away from them. But what if it was too late? Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks. Damn it.

"_You're the only family I need…"_

He felt his eyes water as he remembered her words just days before the Normandy went down. He couldn't let her leave without answering his questions. He couldn't let her leave without him telling her that he missed her. It was just… confusing. Were things ever really simple? He made a face as he cursed under his breath. Kaidan broke into a sprint to get to the docking bay as quickly as he could only to see the Normandy fly off when the elevator doors opened.

Kaidan watched the new Normandy until it disappeared from sight. He ran a hand through his dark hair as he cursed under his breath. He would have to find a ship to take him to Omega. Maybe there he could… He paused in the middle of his thoughts. Was he seriously thinking about following her? He didn't want to go back to Anderson's office just to hear the unspoken orders from earlier actually be told to him. Then he would have no choice but to follow.

* * *

><p>One down, one to go. Gwen sent Mordin off to the Normandy and she was ready to go back to Aria for intel on Archangel. She made a motion for Jacob and Miranda to follow her from the recruiting the good professor. She brought up a hand and rubbed the back of her neck as the door from the slums closed behind them. The muffled sounds of Afterlife's music reminded her of the soft thrumming of the engine room on the old Normandy whenever she would go down there to visit Tali. It made her heart hurt to think about it.<p>

She missed her old crew.

"Shepard, I've detected messages from various mercenary groups. They're ready to go after Archangel." She especially missed not having an AI on board.

"Thanks EDI," she said. "Anything else useful?"

"Jeff asked me not to tell you."

That made Gwen stop for a moment. What the hell was that suppose to mean? "Excuse me?" She glanced back at Miranda and Jacob for answers but both just shrugged their shoulders. "EDI, I order you to tell me."

So much for the compassion that she had been so well known for before she died. Ever since she had been brought back to life, she hadn't felt like herself, like a part of her was missing, incomplete. Put it however you'd like. It was just semantics to her but whatever phrase was used it was all the same. The psyche profile that Miranda had made for her had been wrong in the end, mostly because Gwen had proved her wrong. To her, she should have stayed dead. It was her time and she had made peace with that before she burned in the planet's atmosphere. So excuse her if she's a littler bitter.

"There's another Spectre on Omega, Shepard."

Gwen felt her breath hitch in her throat. What did that mean? She looked back at her companions. "Know anything about this?" She asked, still distrustful of Cerberus.

"Not a thing," Jacob replied.

Miranda raised an eyebrow. "Well it wasn't me, Shepard," she replied.

The Illusive Man had let it slip that Kaidan was a Spectre when she had asked him about her old team. It couldn't be him. It was probably someone else sent to keep an eye on her when her appearance on the Citadel had become known to the Council. That had to be it. Was she prepared to meet them? No. Was she going to? Yes. Would she shoot first ask question later if they were going to stop her? Definitely.

"EDI do you know where this Spectre is?" Gwen asked as she headed towards the club.

"My scanner says that he is in Afterlife," the AI told her. "There is one more thing, Shepard."

Gwen let out a small snort of a laugh. She wasn't surprised. Her pace quickened as she reached the door to the hall that led into the club. "Yeah?" She asked. "And what's that?" Shepard glanced up quickly as the doors opened just to see the ghost from her past turn to face her. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out.

"It's Kaidan Alenko."


	4. Love Me the Same

Wicked Ways

_Call me a sinner, call me a saint_

_Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same_

_Call me your favorite, call me the worst_

_Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt_

_It's all that I can say. So I'll be on my way_

_I finally put it all together_

_But nothing really lasts forever_

"_Call Me" by Shinedown_

The door opened behind him and he turned. Kaidan wasn't sure what had compelled him to do so, for all he knew it could have been anyone walking through the doors but something, that little voice in the back of his, head told him that wasn't the case. He thought that he was ready to face her. He had certainly spent some time preparing himself for their encounter, but as he opened his mouth to speak nothing came out. He wasn't sure why. He wasn't sure what he could say, really. She had looked just as shocked to see him, but oh how she was beautiful. Oh how he wanted reach out and just touch her, to make sure that she was real.

"Kaidan..." The way she said his name had been so breathless as her cheeks flushed. His ego wanted him to smirk but he held it back. His jaw tightened and he looked down. Gwen. His Gwen. She really was there. Alive and well. "I…"

"It's good to see you," he told her. It was the first of many things that he wanted to say.

Her eyes narrowed slightly. He knew that look. Suspicion. He had seen her give it to plenty of people before.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. Well, he hadn't expected the fierceness in her voice. Why was she the one who was angry? She was the one working for Cerberus. She was the one working for the enemy. Then again, in his position, she could probably say the same thing about him. No. Not his Gwen. He didn't know what Cerberus had done to her, but he wanted to find out if there was an ounce of her left, just an ounce of the woman he knew, and maybe just maybe he wouldn't doubt her.

A dry laugh escaped him before he even realized what was happening. "I could ask you the same, you know." Her lips pursed and he wondered if that was amusement that he saw on her face.

"I'm doing my job."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? I thought your job was with the Alliance, _Commander._" He allowed his own doubts to make an appearance.

Gwen pushed past him. "Not Alliance, Kaidan, not right now anyway. Spectre business," she said. She turned her head towards him as her two…was friends even the right word? Well as the two that were with her walked by. "Which I gather you should know about."

"What do you mean?"

"Anderson sent you here, didn't he? I don't need a babysitter."

Kaidan shook his head and he glanced at her companions, for a lack of a better word, who were staring back at him. He turned his attention back to Shepard and leaned in a bit.

"You know that's not why I'm here," he said in a low voice. Though, if he really did have to admit it, that was only part of the reason. "What are you doing, working with Cerberus? What if they're using the Collector threat against you?"

He made a motion to grab her hand but she pulled back. "How do you know about the Collectors?"

She was going to find out eventually, wasn't she? Kaidan swallowed hard.

"I was in Anderson's office when you were there. I was listening the whole time," he admitted.

He did his best to keep eye contact before she looked away. Her mouth gaped open for a moment. Pain flickered across her features, and it hurt his heart to see her that way. Her hardened exterior that she tried to exhibit in front of the other two had melted away completely. Her jaw set and he felt himself reel back. His hand went up to his chin and touched the throbbing spot gingerly before he realized that another one of her fists was coming his way. He moved quickly away to avoid getting hit.

"Coward!" she yelled at him. "You were there! Why…" She had never looked so defeated. She huffed and buried her face into her hands. "Why didn't you…"

"Gwen, let me explain," he started.

Her head snapped up. She shoved her hands against his chest. "No," she said fiercely. "You don't get to."

"Hey now," he started, "I'm not the one working for a group that I despised. Don't you remember the experiments we found? What they did to good people?" His anger started to boil. "You're just tossing what you believed in down the drain being with them. What _we_ believed. The woman I loved would have never-"

"She's dead!"

People were starting to stare at the two. His eyebrows furrowed together. "I don't believe that."

Gwen took a step towards him.

"She's dead," she repeated herself before walking away.

Kaidan didn't watch her leave. He brought up a hand and rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't know what the hell she was going to do, but one thing that he did know was that he couldn't leave it like that. How….how could she say that to him? He drew in a shaking breath and closed his eyes. No, it wasn't going to end that way. His eyes opened and he spun on his heels. He was going to find her. He was going to make her listen damn it.

* * *

><p>"Garrus!"<p>

The urgency in her voice that echoed through the building made Kaidan pick up his speed. He needed to get to her. Wait…Garrus? What the hell was Garrus doing on Omega? Kaidan ran up the steps to find Gwen, face filled with anguish hovering over the turian. "He needs medical attention Shepard," the man beside her said. She nodded quickly and Kaidan rushed over to help. He had been an old friend. There wasn't any way that he was just going to idly watch while he could die.

"I'll cover you," the woman said, "in case we missed some of those mercs."

Kaidan looked at Gwen. "By your lead," he told her and they hurried to the docking bay where the newly made Normandy was waiting for them. The doors opened and he helped get Garrus into the med bay where Kaidan was surprised to find Dr. Chakwas.

The older woman gave him a curious look. How many of the old crew that survived was there? He laid Garrus down on the med table and let the good doctor do her thing when he heard Gwen say, "Joker, get us the hell out of here!" He opened his mouth to say something but she was already leaving and he was right on her heels.

"I'm not staying Gwen," he told her. What he really meant was that he wasn't going to stay on a now Cerberus ship.

She whirled around to face him. She looked like she wanted to cry right then and there. There had only been one time that he had seen it happen and that had been after Ash's death. Kaidan knew he had been lucky, but the guilt would always be there when he thought that it should have been him, knowing that Gwen only saved him because of how she felt about him.

"To hell you're not, Alenko," she said quickly. "Whatever mercs that we didn't take out from those three groups will be looking for us and I'll be damned if we're still here until the shit storm calms down, you got it? I'm not risking anyone else."

He reached out towards her. "You know Garrus is going to live," he told her. The turian was a lot tougher than one would have thought.

Gwen bit her lower lip. "I hope so." And for the first time since they had reunited, he saw a glimpse of the woman he had been in love with. He knew that she was still there.

"We need to talk," he told her.

"Not right now."

"Damn it, stop being so stubborn," he growled and she laughed.

"Me?" She asked as if she couldn't believe that he said that. Gwen shook her head. "I'll let you off the next time that we dock, how's that?" She didn't even let him get another word in before she left.

He had never felt so isolated. He could feel the eyes of the…Cerberus crew burning at his back. He looked up and saw the dark haired woman, Miranda, he was sure he heard that was her name, staring at him. She smirked slightly before she disappeared into a room. He tried to remind himself why he was there in the first place, but it was getting pretty damn hard to remember.

* * *

><p>"He's going to live."<p>

Gwen looked up, surprised. Didn't she hear him coming in? Kaidan couldn't help but smile a bit. "He's asking to see you whenever you're free." She nodded slowly before she got up from her bed.

"I should go check on him now," she muttered under her breath.

Kaidan stepped in her way and held up his hands in a slightly defensive way. "Wait a minute, Shepard," he started. "We've got to talk."

She wouldn't look at him. "There's nothing to talk about," she said quietly.

He nodded his head. "Yes," he started, "there is." She looked up at him and frowned before she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Okay," she started, "then talk."

"I'm sorry about hiding in Anderson's office," he said. "I messed up on that, I'll admit. But… I never got anything saying that you were alive. You've got to understand how that makes me feel." He wished that he could read minds. That would have been the greatest gift at the moment. He knew her well enough to know she was retreating into herself. The walls he had broken past before had been built again.

"I sent countless messages, Kaidan. I don't know why you wouldn't have gotten them," she said. "I thought maybe you moved on. I could handle that, but that was before I realized what the situation was going to be like. I sent you the last one after I went to Freedom's Progress. I didn't think you'd understand…" He wished that he could make sense of it all.

"Gwen…"

"What?"

"Seeing you like this…with Cerberus. It isn't right."

"It isn't right that I'm alive?" She asked. That wasn't what he said. "I'd still be dead if it wasn't for them."

"Yeah and maybe they're using that obligation you're feeling to their advantage. Think about the things Cerberus could do with a Spectre on their side," he said. "I won't let them use you."

"I'm here because I want to be Kaidan," she told him. "I may be an Alliance soldier but I can't sit around when colonies are being attacked. You were listening to my conversation with Anderson. I've got Council approval…unofficially. So yeah, as a Spectre I can do a hell of a lot more than not being one. If you think that's Cerberus using me then fine. Think that way."

Part of him knew that she was right, but he mostly didn't agree and the majority won.

"How can you believe that?" He asked. He opened his mouth to continue arguing but she pressed one finger against his lips. His eyes widened slightly and he looked at her questioningly.

"My ship, we're going to play nice."

She removed her finger and he sighed. "Well two Spectres are better than one then."

"Kaidan…" The exasperation in her voice had been expected.

"Don't Kaidan me. I'm serious Gwen."

She didn't look like she believed him.

"What about the whole Cerberus is evil thing?" Her head tilted to the side as she looked at him, and he wanted nothing more than to catch her lips with his. That had to be for another time. When she would let him get close to her again.

"Yeah well, I'm not changing my mind about that," he told her. "I'm not here for them. I'm here for you." That was the truth. He owed her that much, didn't he? He decided to be bold. Kaidan lifted a hand and caught her chin with his index finger and his thumb stroked over her soft skin.

"Gwen…" He watched as she pulled away. His eyebrows furrowed together for a moment. "Why?"

She gestured up to her face. "I'm not the same person anymore," she told him. Was she…ashamed? That was when he remembered Anderson asking about her scars. Scars he hadn't even noticed on her.

They were like someone had etched them into her skin. There were parts that were slightly parted where you could see a fiery color underneath. He remembered when she told Anderson that they hurt. He wanted to apologize but it didn't seem like the right thing to say. "I hadn't noticed," he said lightly as he gave her a soft smile. "I get you Shepard, but that doesn't mean I have to agree."

"Kaidan…"

"You don't have to push me away," he told her. "I thought we were past that."

"I just… I can't. I…" She seemed to be at a loss for words. When words failed, what else did you have besides your actions?

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. Call him bold. He didn't care. There weren't really any regs standing in their way anymore. Not that it stopped them before. He brought up a hand and brushed his fingertips along her jaw line before his hand found a place behind her neck. His fingers tangled into her red hair and her lips parted in anticipation. Well, he wouldn't keep her waiting. He leaned in and kissed her. His eyes shut tightly, afraid that if he opened them that he would realize he was just dreaming.

It didn't sit right with him, where they were. The Normandy belonged to Cerberus. The crew was Cerberus. They brought Gwen back. He would be grateful if he didn't suspect an ulterior motive, but as he felt Gwen deepen the kiss and dig her fingers into his arms, all thoughts of Cerberus were lost. A soft murmur of his name was heard and all he could do was smile. He felt her fingers tangle in his hair and opened his eyes.

Kaidan pulled back, breaking the kiss between them for a final time. He gave her an option to stop, but God he missed her. Their situation be damned. They could deal with it in the morning, right? She ran her tongue over her lower lip and her hands trailed down from his hair to his chest. Her fingers gripped onto the fabric tightly and she pulled him towards her, leading him further into her cabin. It seemed like she wasn't going to take the easy way out… and he couldn't be more happier.

"Gwen…" His voice had taken a husky tone, feeling the need for her starting to rise. Was it the right thing to do? He had always thought being with her had felt right but was it right for her?

"Shut up," she whispered and pulled him closer to her.

Their lips met again. Every need and want could be felt between the two as they fell onto the bed in a tangled mess. Just being close to her had brought up feelings that he thought he had moved on from when he thought she was dead. She wrapped her legs around him and a hand trailed up her thigh. This was all he had asked for during the past two years but it just felt…rushed.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled into the nape of her neck. He didn't want to regret her. He didn't want her to regret him. But most of all he didn't want to be used as something that was equal to a distraction. He pulled back. That wasn't them.

"What?" She asked, cupping his face with both of her hands. He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.

"I need to know you won't be sorry about this in the morning."

Gwen shook her head. "I won't." That was enough for him.

They both wanted to take their time. Articles of clothing were peeled off slowly. Small and tender caresses started. Kaidan wanted to get to know her body again. His lips trailed down from hers to her breasts. He took one into his mouth as his hand cupped the other, thumb stroking over her skin as he heard a moan escape her. He was going to take his time. He nipped lightly before he found her lips again.

"I don't want to wait," she told him. Stubbornly he wanted to tell her 'too bad' but you didn't tell her no. That much he remembered. He felt her grip onto him. Her hand stroked gently along his length causing him to shudder slightly as a moan escaped him. Coaxing him to listen was an effective strategy, he'd give her that. As much as he wanted to take his time, he couldn't. The anxiousness of feeling himself inside of her again was enough to make his heart pound against his chest. Damn her.

Gwen rolled them over to where she was on top. Both of her legs were on his sides, straddling him as she leaned in for another kiss before guiding him inside of her. Her hips moved against him slow at first before the pace quickened as his hands gripped onto her thighs. She leaned back and propped herself up on her arms to keep steady. Kaidan sat up and kept an arm around her waist making sure her never left her as he rolled her onto her back. He moved one of her legs to wrap around him as he gripped onto the headboard.

"Kaidan…oh!" Whatever she was going to say had left her train of thought as her hands gripped onto the sheets. He could feel her tightening around him before she pushed her hips against his, meeting him with every thrust. She released her grip from the bed and her hands desperately sought him out. Her arms curled around his to pull him closer. Her nails dug into his shoulders. He bit down onto her shoulder when his release came and felt her quiver beneath him as hers did as well.

Her chest heaved against his. He turned his to look at her, flushed and heavy lidded. A slow smile crept onto her face and he kissed her jaw.

"Will there be more where that came from?"

"Yes ma'am," he said breathlessly.

Gwen smirked. "Well then, at ease solider." Cheeky minx. With a light slap of his hand against her thigh he pulled out of her. The look on her face let him know that she thought he was going to leave. Instead he lied next to her and pulled her into his arms.

They said home was where the heart was. Well, it was good to be home.

**A/N:** _Yes. I know he sexed her up. No, this doesn't mean that things are going to be easy for them. No, I haven't forgotten about the Shoker I was bringing into this either. Just wait and see right? ;) Sorry this took so long with ME3 and moving well it was expected, right? Lol Hope you enjoy. Thank you to neontoasterx for looking this over for me. xoxo_


	5. Reasons

**A/N:** _This was a little shorter than I expected but I couldn't think of anything to add or expand on. Self beta-ed so if there is any issues, I do apologize. I was just excited to get this out. lol The next chapter will be back at regular length I promise. Thank you so much to everyone who has left a review, alerted this, favorited this... It means so much to mean! I wasn't able to respond to most and I do apologize. I will get better with it. xoxo_

Wicked Ways

_Cause I'm searching_

_For reasons not to throw this all away_

"_Never Walk Away" by Breaking Point_

He had slept so soundly that Gwen wasn't sure if the ship getting attacked would even wake him. She bit her lower lip as she stared at Kaidan. She watched his chest rise up and down in a steady rhythm. She trailed a finger along his jaw line and then rolled out of bed. A soft sighed escaped her as she pulled her clothes on and glanced back at the sleeping man in her bed. It had been like time never passed between the two of them but Gwen knew better. Fate seemed to have a way of throwing them together when disaster was just around the corner. What did that say about their relationship? Her eyebrows furrowed together as she crossed her arms around her body to hug herself. She had told him that the woman he knew was dead. Gwen could just imagine how that had made him feel.

When had she become so cruel? Sure she had been a hard ass and all before but with that…she hadn't meant a word of it. The way he had talked to her a few hours before had sent her reeling. She hadn't really expected it because she thought that he had known her better than that. Cerberus wasn't using her. In her opinion, she was using them but they did have a common goal. For now.

She planned to send him away the next time that they docked on a planet. They were going to go through the Omega Relay. She didn't expect them to come back and she couldn't have him there because he was supposed to live. She had seen so many people die that were close to her, she couldn't bear it if Kaidan joined that long list. Maybe it would be safer just to keep him at a distance. With a shake of her head, she turned away and headed for the door. She did not foresee sleep in her near future.

Gwen took the elevator down to the crew deck and stopped by the mess. Some habits really did die hard. She took a seat on the floor behind the counter where Gardner kept all the good stuff. Thessia Red. She didn't care what year it was from, so it would do. She opened the bottle and pulled out a glass.

"Room for another?"

Her head shot up quickly to see Garrus standing behind the other side of the counter. He looked fucking terrible. "Jesus, Garrus," she started, "I'm so sorry I didn't come to see you sooner."

The turian shrugged a shoulder and made a gesture upwards towards where her cabin was. "I figured you were otherwise occupied, Shepard." She pulled out another glass and poured him a glass of turian brandy that Gardner had on stock before she patted the spot next to her for him to sit.

"You're a touch son of a bitch, you know that?"

Garrus laughed. "Don't make me laugh, my face will fall apart."

She couldn't help but grin a bit at him. "Hell, slap some face paint on and no one will know the difference." He still looked like Garrus to her. As she stared at him, it made her more aware of her own scares. If he could wear his proudly, so could she.

He nudged her. "Oh, I forgot how funny you really were."

Gwen poured herself a drink and took a long hard swig. "It's a talent, Vakarian."

"I'm sure," he said amused. He paused for a moment before he asked, "Can't sleep?" No, but she didn't have to tell him that. "Anything to do with your surprise guest?" Was she that readable?

She swallowed hard. Well, he knew her well enough didn't he? "Not at all," she found herself saying.

"And you're still a terrible liar."

Gwen rolled her eyes and poured herself another drink. "I don't know," this time it was an honest answer.

"Well, I don't know anything about human relationships but I do know you," Garrus started. She gave him a curious look.

"Yeah?" She asked as one eyebrow quirked upwards.

"Avoiding things is not the wise choice."

A small _pfft_ escaped her. "When do I ever make wise choices?" Now that was a challenge for him to answer, she was sure. He only nodded. Garrus only raised his glass and clinked it against hers. She bit her lower lip as she raised a hand to move some red hair out of her face. "Are you really going to be okay?" She asked quietly.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily, Shepard," he told her. Good. That was what she wanted to hear. She wanted to ask him to promise that to her but the words never made it to her lips. She nodded and didn't know what to say.

Then again, nothing really needed to be said. They never really had to tell each other what the other was feeling. Especially since Garrus usually just knew. Gwen slapped her hand on Garrus's back and stood up. "Well, get ready my friend," she started, "we arrive at Purgatory in a few hours."

Garrus just looked at her. "The bar?"

Gwen let out a loud laugh. "Sorry," she said, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the prison."

"You never take me anywhere fun, Shepard."

She grinned. "One day, my friend."

* * *

><p>"You didn't come back last night."<p>

Gwen turned her head and glanced at Kaidan. She opened her mouth to speak but she was at a loss for words. What could she even say to him? That she was avoiding him? Despite wanting to push him away, she didn't want to hurt him. Not with the way he was looking at her at that very moment. She ran her tongue slowly over her lower lip as she felt her nerves start to get the best of her. "I needed some time," she told him.

He raised an eyebrow. "I get it," he replied. She wished that she could know what he was thinking. "I'm sorry for what I said and did, Gwen, but you have to trust me."

Her eyes narrowed at him. "I know, Kaidan."

"Do you?"

Trust went both ways but she held her tongue because even though he had stated his feelings towards Cerberus, he was still there. That should have said a lot to Gwen but she was stubborn enough to not want to listen. Garrus let out an awkward cough next to them. The Commander shot him a pointed look and then sighed as she looked out the window to see the Blue Suns prison coming into view.

"Can we not do this now?" She asked when she turned her attention back to Kaidan. She watched as his jaw set as he looked away. She had hurt him. A part of her felt a smug satisfaction for it.

Truth be told, she was still hurt after the things that he had said to her. Sure, they had slept together and she would be lying if she said it had been meaningless but… should she start a relationship with him again just knowing that they could die? It didn't stop her before so why was she stopping now?

"Commander, ETA in two minutes," Joker said over the intercom.

Ah yes, there it was. It was the thought that maybe Kaidan was hanging on to something that wasn't there anymore when he had come to her. He hadn't known she was alive. Well, that's what he had said. As a Spectre he could have found out but then again, Cerberus was known for its ability to hide itself when it wanted. Joker though… he had been there the entire time. She could feel herself physically flinch at her own thoughts. Her heart still belonged to Kaidan. Maybe she was the one who was hanging on to something, something that would make her feel like her old self. And human.

"Alright," she began, "we go in, get…this Jack and then we're out." She had spent enough of her early life with the likes of those who inhabited the prison. "Quick, clean and easy."

"Unlike everything else," Garrus added.

Gwen smiled and nodded a bit. "Just like old times?"

"Just like old times," he agreed. She almost missed the small smile on Kaidan's face.

There was a slow pull as the Normandy docked with the prison. Gwen couldn't help but feel slightly anxious as the airlock opened. She stepped onto the metal floor, hearing her boots clink heavily against it as she made her way to the Blue Suns guards waiting by the entrance. If anyone had to have her back, she was glad that Garrus and Kaidan were there. Something about being there just didn't feel right.

"We've been expecting you," the turian guard told her.

"You have?" Her voice had taken a scrupulous tone as a careful eyebrow raised.

"The package is being prepped and will be ready shortly," he replied. Gwen crossed her arms in front of her as she listened to him. "However as this is a high-security vessel and you will need to relinquish your weapons before you proceed."

She didn't think so. Gwen pulled out her pistol and her companions armed themselves as well. "Tell you what," she said. "I'll relinquish one bullet. Let me know where you want it."

The guards drew their guns in retaliation and Gwen calculated that the three of them could take out the guards before they even had a chance to fire off their guns. Her biotics started to flare around her hands just before another turian made his appearance.

"There's no need for that, Commander," he said.

"To hell there isn't," she snapped back at him.

"I'm Warden Kuril. You must understand that this is standard procedure."

"I bet," Garrus muttered next to her.

"Your weapons will be returned when this is over," the warden told her.

Gwen smiled sweetly at him. "I think they'll like staying where they are now."

She watched as Kuril narrowed his eyes at her. She gave him her own look with a small tilt of her head to let him know that she was standing her ground and there was no way that she would be swayed. "Let them proceed," he finally said. "We're more than capable of handling three armed guests." Did she strike a nerve? She wondered if she would be able to test that theory. "We're bringing Jack out of cryo, as soon as the funds hit, you'll be able to go."

Gwen followed him to out processing. She wasn't really interested in the grand tour that he was attempting to give. A sickening feeling crawled along her skin. Her throat dried as she listened to Garrus question Kuril. It wasn't so much that they were speaking with each other it was the fact that they were able to carry on a conversation over the screaming. Where was that coming from? Part of her didn't want to know. She glanced at Kaidan. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked around. Was he getting the feeling that something was right either? He noticed she was looking at him and nodded slightly. They would be out of there soon enough.

"It's just down the hall," Kuril said and Gwen's head snapped up to look at him. "I'm going to check to see if the funds have gone through." She nodded her head and the warden took his leave.

She let out a slow breath and walked ahead of her companions and towards the room. She ignored the prisoners as she walked by, each cell had something to say and they were lucky that she couldn't get to them herself. She hadn't realized how fast her pace had quickened until she found herself in front of the out processing room. The moment she walked into the room the doors shut behind her, leaving her separated from Kaidan and Garrus. She was sure she heard one of them call her name. One fist pounded against the door and she heard the warden's voice. "I'm sorry, Commander, but you're far more valuable to me as a prisoner."

"Damn it," she growled and took a step back. Her eyes wandered the room only to realize that it was a cell. Foolishly she raised her weapon and aimed at the door where there was slight discoloration that let her know it was the other side of the panel control. She shot off a round but only had it bounce back at her. She used stasis to stop it before she scowled and slapped it to the ground.

"Gwen can you hear me?" She had forgotten about her ear piece.

"Yeah, Kaidan. Listen. I'm fine. You and Garrus get Jack. I'm not letting that son of a bitch keep her from us, understand? Go," she ordered as she put an emphasis on the last word.

She listened to muffled arguing on his side until he finally replied, "Just stay safe."

She couldn't help but smile. "I'm not going anywhere," she replied. She had no choice about that.

It seemed that as soon as the words had left her, she was proven to be a liar. There was a slow and long groan of mechanics at work. Gears grinded and she was sure that it was a releasing mechanism at work. She felt the cell move and she swayed on her feet. Her arms went out to hold her balance. "Joker!" She yelled.

"Commander?"

"I'm locked in a damn cell and I think the bastard just ejected it. If I fall to the planet, it's your ass," she swore.

Was that a laugh that she just heard? "Can't have that now, can we?" He asked. She felt a small heat creep on to her cheeks.

"Just hurry up."

"Aye aye, ma'am." It was only a matter of minutes before she heard Joker's voice again. "Normandy on interception course, Commander. Don't worry, we'll get you." She nodded even though he couldn't see it. "Though I can't promise a next time if you make a habit of it." She rolled her eyes. Liar, she wanted to say.

She could feel the cell moving into the Normandy's cargo. Slow and steady but it didn't make things easier when it finally landed on the floor of the ship with a crash that made her lose her footing. One of the cargo crewmen opened the door and she pushed past him, nodding her thanks as she did. She was a woman on a mission, so to speak, and they needed to get back to the prison.

Gwen made her way to the cockpit just in time to see that the Normandy was docking with Purgatory again.

"You scared me, Commander."

That…had caught her off guard. She raised an eyebrow as she looked at Joker. She couldn't believe she heard him say that. Gwen smiled at him despite herself. "Thanks for saving my life," she said before she leaned in and placed a hand over his.

"Again," he reminded her.

"Again," she agreed. "I owe you." But at the moment, she needed to make sure that Garrus and Kaidan had gotten to Jack. "Make sure we're ready to take off when I get back."

She spun on her heels and left. Her gun was drawn as she entered the hallway entrance. She would have given anything to shoot Kuril. Gwen watched as a woman came running towards her. The snarl on her face made her think that it was Jack, that and the fact that Kaidan and Garrus arrived shortly after her. Kaidan looked like he wanted to say something but she gave him a 'not now' look. The place was falling apart and they needed to get the hell out of there sooner than later.

Gwen held up her hands in peace. "Only one way out of here…Jack." She watched as her biotics flared. Two could play the same game. She certainly wasn't what Gwen had expected. Then again, what other kind of person could you be picking up from a prison besides a bald, tattooed, angry bitch? The thought almost made her smile. Almost.

"Not with Cerberus," Jack replied.

"We didn't get anything different from her," Kaidan added.

It was almost the time to start getting desperate. "Tell me what you want, and you can have it," Gwen told her.

"Access to everything Cerberus has on me." That wasn't going to make Miranda happy but the other woman wasn't around to object. Besides, what other way was she going to prove that Cerberus didn't have control over her? Her eyes flickered to Kaidan after the thought before Gwen paid attention to Jack again.

"Done," she agreed.

"Well then let's get the fuck out of here."


	6. Soul

Wicked Ways

_You only know my heart when it's cold_

_But it burns when I hear my affection in your voice,_

_Don't you see all my soul that is yours?_

"_Heavy Prey" by Flyleaf_

"You don't have the authority for that, Shepard."

Gwen just stared at Miranda. Did she really think that she was doing a good job at intimidating her? She shook her head at the Cerberus woman and smiled. "Sorry," she said, "but I do believe this is my ship and the Illusive Man put me in charge. Don't like it, take it up with him." Besides, she had already given Jack the OSDs. There was no going back.

"I won't forget this," Miranda promised. There was something in her eyes that made Gwen wonder what exactly she meant by that. It was a shame really. They could have been friends in a different lifetime. Granted, in that different lifetime they needed to be two very different people. Hey, weirder things have definitely happened. She was brought back to life after getting spaced, something she knew that she should be thanking Miranda for, but the notion never really struck her hard enough.

"I'd hope not," she replied with a raised eyebrow. "Until our next wonderful chat, Miranda." Gwen turned on her heels with a small smile. Was it even worth pissing her off? Pros and cons, she reminded herself as she hoped that Jack was going to find what she was looking for.

She left Miranda's office and headed towards the mess. She sniffed the air and felt her stomach rumble. Well, something smelled good. It seemed like Gardner was putting the new supplies to good use. She rounded the corner with a small smile on her face. "What's on the menu?" She asked. If one thing made her happy, it was certainly food.

Gardner looked up at her. "Vegetable soup for Alenko, ma'am," he replied. "Chakwas said it was what he liked to eat when he got his headaches."

Gwen felt her breath hitch in her throat. She had forgotten about those. She nodded. It was. It had felt like forever since she was around for his headaches.

"When you're done, send it up to my cabin," she said. "Make sure to add potatoes. That's how he likes it." A small blush spread across her cheeks. She did not blush. Jesus.

"Yes. Commander."

That was all she needed to hear before she headed for the crew quarters. The door opened and a dark room greeted her. "Go away," she heard a groan. She shook her head. Still stubborn as ever. She was sure that she wouldn't have it any other way.

"Come on," she said as she drew near his bunk. "The crew's quarters is no place for you when you have your headaches." It was a wonder that it wasn't busy. Maybe those who usually occupied the room realized what was wrong or they were actually doing their job.

"Where else am I going to go?" Her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Kaidan looked like he was trying to attempt to look at her, but under those heavy lids she knew the pain was throbbing.

"With me," she said. She pressed a finger over his lips when he started to protest. "You forget that I can carry you over my shoulder. Would you like to give the crew that kind of show or will you come willingly?" Her lips pursed slightly in amusement. She removed her finger to let him respond.

"And what will Cerberus think of their almighty Commander?" She decided to ignore the comment as best as she could.

"That she actually has a soft side. Now up, Alenko." Her hands gripped his arms as she pulled him out of bed and onto his feet. "Just keep your eyes closed. The elevator isn't very far."

The protests ceased as she lead him out of the room and to the elevator. She propped him against the wall as she pressed the button that would bring them to her cabin. Gwen turned her attention back to Kaidan to see him cover his eyes with his hand.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked gruffly. She had forgotten how moody he could get, too. She bit her lower lip as she felt a quip wanting to come out. "I'm sorry," he grumbled.

She nodded even though he couldn't see it. "I know." It was a form of acceptance. Maybe this arguing would be a new thing for them. Whatever the case, she didn't like that he was in pain and knew that she could help. Being who she was, if she could make a difference then there was no way that she would just sit back and do nothing.

She had been that way for as long as she could remember. As she roamed the streets of New York City and when she rolled with the Reds, virtues were not something that she had lacked despite not having parents. Hell, when it was only during an extreme circumstance that she had even signed up in the first place. The leader of the gang she had been with was tired of her interfering in the affairs of the group. They called her a 'do gooder' or 'Miss Two Shoes.' She stopped the leader, Evan, from killing a man, and that was the straw that had broken the proverbial camel's back. She had ducked into a recruiting office on accident and things had taken off from there.

Gwen turned to look at Kaidan. She wanted to reach out and touch him but had stopped herself. She had never regretted her decision to sign up to the Alliance and the big reason had been because she had been able to meet him.

The elevator came to a slow and she linked arms with Kaidan as she led him into her cabin. She shut off all the lights until the only thing lit had been the dim light of her fish tank. It would be some time before they would reach Korlus, and he would need all the rest that he could get. Maybe she'd leave him behind on the mission and see just how well Jack was going to work with the team. Gwen sat down on her bed first, put a pillow in her lap and pulled Kaidan down onto the bed. His head rested gently against the pillow and she placed her thumbs on his temples. It was something that she did for him years ago before she had realized that he even had feelings for her.

"Relax," she ordered.

"Anything you say, Commander."

She watched him wince in pain and with the rest of her fingers she gently massaged against his brow. Gwen felt him shift for a moment and a small sigh escaped him. She moved her hands and skimmed her thumbs against his forehead, adding a little pressure with the help of her biotics to help soothe the pain.

"How are you feeling?" She asked softly.

"Better," he told her. "I had forgotten you could do that." She raked her fingers through his hair. She was just glad that she could help. She had been lucky to have her L3 implants. All the times they had run into others with L2s it had terrified her, but Kaidan, he was always in control. He caught her wrist with his hand and his thumb stroked against the sensitive skin there. He turned his head and kissed her hand. "Thank you."

She opened her mouth to say something but a small squeak escaped her. She cleared her throat as a smirk made a brief appearance on his face. "You're welcome."

Kaidan went back to how he had been, face turned towards the ceiling but his eyes still closed as she repeated the process of soothing away his migraine. He had claimed that medicine barely work for him, but this particular method had a way of curing things when medical science seemed to fail. She always called him on his bullshit and he would just smile. She hated him in that moment. Her mind had been set at keeping him away. She sucked in a deep breath.

"Thinking about something?" _Or someone._

"You shouldn't be talking," she chided him. "It does nothing for you."

"Why do I feel like that has a double meaning?" She watched him smirk and she wanted to slap him. But it was in a loving way, of course. Her face scrunched slightly at the thought. Her fears of not being human diminished when she was with him. Was it an unsettling thought? She wasn't sure. But what she was sure of was that she didn't want to use him as an excuse for her to be able to feel human again.

"Shepard, Gardner is on his way up with Spectre Alenko's food," EDI's voice rang through the room.

Gwen looked up even though she couldn't physically look at EDI in that moment. "Thanks EDI, just tell him to come in and leave quietly." And he did. He left it on her desk and exited just as quietly. Ah, there were perks to an AI on the ship, even she could admit that.

"Spectre Alenko," Kaidan muttered. "We've come far from our early days on the Normandy, haven't we?" Her fingers brushed against his brow line again as she nodded. He could say that again.

"You stumbled over your words when we first met," she recalled.

Kaidan laughed a bit before he winced in pain. "It was just after Elysium. Wasn't it? Everyone was on edge, afraid that they couldn't live up to the great Commander Shepard's expectations."

Gwen raised an eyebrow. She liked to not think about the situation that had made her "famous." She and her squad had barely made it out of there with their skins still intact. Everyone in a command position made choices with other people's lives in their hands. She had just been lucky enough to make the right choices and she did not feel like a hero for it. She was just a soldier like everyone else though being a Spectre hadn't helped either.

"Were you afraid?"

"No," he replied slowly. "Intrigued, maybe. You took my breath away." She closed her eyes and wished that he would just stop, but she didn't have the heart to tell him to.

"Kaidan…" It was all she could say.

"I know. I know." He sighed. "I don't exactly have that self control that you admired so much anymore but can you blame me?"

"It's endearing," she told him. She didn't say that because she thought it was what he needed to hear. She told him that because it had been the truth.

"Some people could disagree."

"Really?" She teased.

"Yeah," he said, "I know some of the things that I do can be a little grating on the nerves."

"Really?" She asked again.

"Okay." His eyebrows furrowed together. "You had your fun."

Gwen smiled a bit as she sat him up. "Go eat," she said as she nudged him off the bed. "It'll help more." He didn't protest. She watched him go over to the desk and then she lied back onto the bed.

Was she being foolish? The feelings that were still there… Talking about the past had felt like it opened old wounds, but the pain was barely less than stinging. She touched her scars again. Was she really human? Was she not some functioning version of a creeper or husk? She was real, wasn't she? Gwen felt like a little of the pressure in her chest had been taken off as she exhaled a long breath. It was refreshing, really. Maybe things could-

Her thoughts had been interrupted by a surprised laugh. Gwen's eyebrows furrowed together. What did he find so funny? She sat up and craned her neck to look over the raised area that blocked him from her view. "Kaidan?"

She watched as he came into view with a picture frame in his hands.

"When…when were you going to tell me you had this?" He asked as he turned the picture frame to face her. Ah shit, it was the picture she had of him. "I mean it is a good picture. I can't believe I didn't notice it before." That was because she had hidden it when he had come on board. She had just forgotten to hide it again.

"Put. That. Down." She paused after each word to emphasize that she was going to hurt him unless he listened to her.

"Hey, hey, hey. I'm a man in pain. You can't inflict more on me." The grin on his face said otherwise. He knew that she could but there was just the choice of really wanting to or not. Honestly, if he didn't put that picture down and get rid of that stupid grin, she just might see if she could inflict more pain on him.

Gwen rolled off the bed. "Do you want to make a bet, Alenko?" She asked lightly. She quickly closed the space between the two of them. He looked like he was seriously thinking about her question.

"Depends on what I get out of it." Oh now she wanted to know what he was thinking, though she was sure that she had a pretty good idea of what he would be getting out of it. And he called her the minx. Ha!

Gwen reached out for the picture, but he moved it out of her reach. He had a good foot of height to him that she lacked. She was half tempted just to sock him in the stomach, but he was a man in pain, as he had pointed out. She may have had mean moments, but she wasn't cruel. Her head tilted up as her eyes narrowed at him and he kissed her. It wasn't one of the normal kisses that they had shared before, after they had established a relationship, it was chaste and unsure like when they first started. She smiled despite herself, despite every fiber of her being telling her not to.

"If you have this then why is it so hard to admit that you still love me?"

Because she didn't want to. Because she was stubborn. Because of the trust issues. Because she was suppose to be dead. Because she wasn't the same person. Because she wasn't worthy of it. There…there were so many reasons. Decisiveness was not her friend at the moment. All will to make good and sound decision had dissipated. That wasn't the Shepard she was supposed to be. Maybe Kaidan had been right. Maybe Cerberus had done something to her. Was that something irreversible?

She bit down on her lower lip. "Do you believe in God, Kaidan?"

"Sometimes," he replied. He gave her a questioning look and she knew that she would have to explain.

Gwen could recall the countless religion conversations that she had with Ash after she found out that the Gunnery Chief had believed. Religion hadn't been something that she thought about growing up. She had doubted that there was a God because why would He put her in the situation that she had to be in?

"_He works in mysterious ways,"_ Ash used to tell her. Yeah, what a bunch of horse shit had always been her response. It was a cop out but then her friend had told her something that had resonated and stuck with her. _"God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean."_ Albert Einstein. It had been a quote that Ash's father had told her daily. It had been enough to inspire her to read the Bible and she may have started to believe.

"Why?" Kaidan asked. With the way he had sounded it made her think that God was in fact possibly the cruelest being.

Her eyes snapped to him. For a brief moment she had forgotten that he was even there.

"For a long time religion said that science could not coincide with their beliefs. Well, humanity changed that opinion, haven't they? When one dies, they're not supposed to come back no matter the science or motivations behind it. It's not right. Like you had said before. I didn't want to see it, but I don't feel like Gwen Shepard anymore. I feel like a shell that lost its soul." Her voice shook and she wondered if her body had shared the same feeling.

"Gwen…" the comfort that his voice offered hadn't been something that she wanted to hear. She reached and finally touched him. Her hand gently stroked his cheek. He didn't need this weight to be brought down on him. He deserved better than that. She just wished that she could make herself believe. Maybe…maybe then she would stop pushing him away. Maybe then all negativity would just leave. She was almost without hope.

"I remember everything," she told him. She remembered being flung from the Normandy as Joker's escape shuttle jettisoned away in its exodus. She remembered the size of the planet below getting bigger as she drew closer to its atmosphere. She remembered trying her damnedest to pull her helmet off. She remembered burning. Gwen closed her eyes as she took in a deep breath. "I don't feel like me but when I do, you'll be the first to know."

"What can I do?" He had looked so defeated. She didn't blame him.

"Just stay. Make me feel human again."

All previous thoughts be damned. He set the picture down back on the desk and she took his hand as she led him back to the bed. He laid down and held her close. His arms wrapped around her protectively. "For whatever it's worth," he said to her, "I believe that you're still you. We'll work this out, Shepard. Together." Was that a promise? Did she believe him? Could they really do it?

She closed her eyes and she clung to him. She hoped so. She really hoped so.

**A/N:** _Thank you to everyone who review/alerted/favorited this and thank you to neontoasterx for reading this over for me. The next chapter is going to be solely in Joker's POV._


	7. Best I Can

**A/N:** _So I know people were looking forward to the Shoker aspect of this story but I can't bring myself to fully do it for several reasons, listed here: __rewinded miracle. tumblr. Com / post / 199102 14177 /writing - progress__ : There will still be subtle things here and there but that is the main reason why I can't bring myself to fully commit to it. I'm going to pace the Kaidan and Gwen romance so that it seems realistic. There's still A LOT of drama that I have planned, I promise. You guys won't be bored. Thank you if you're still going to stick with this and thanks to neontoasterx for betaing._

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><p>Wicked Ways<p>

_A second chance to give you something_

_It takes a lifetime to come from nothing_

_I refuse to believe in running away_

_I'm doing the best I can with everything I am_

"_Best I Can" by Art of Dying_

"Can't sleep?"

Joker looked up to see Gwen beside him. He shook his head. "Someone had to make sure this place doesn't fall apart," he said with a small grin. "Why not me?" His eyes trailed over the small glow of her scars in the dark. "Can't sleep either?"

There had been a lot of times on the first Normandy when the two of them would stay up whenever she couldn't sleep and just talk. Maybe that was where his feelings had first started to develop but he never acted upon anything because of regs. Technically they weren't Alliance anymore but it was hard to do anything about how he felt because 'Once an Alliance soldier, always an Alliance soldier.'

"You know me," she said lightly. Joker nodded. That he did.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked.

Gwen pursed her lips together for a moment.

"Since when did you want to talk about feelings, Joker?" She sounded like she had been on the verge of wanting to laugh. At least it was good that he was still able to bring that side out of her. She was going to need it with all the stress that she was going through. Ah, yeah. She had a point. When had he started caring? Ah, a long time ago but he was never going to tell her that.

"I can be surprising," he told her. She smiled and nodded, he hoped in agreement.

"It's Kaidan," she said lightly. Wasn't it always? "I feel like he doesn't trust me. I mean he says he does but Cerberus is always going to be that big elephant in the room." He watched her frown as she diverted her gaze down to the floor.

Joker shrugged one shoulder. "He doesn't have to be here, Commander," he told her. "But he is." Why was he being pro-Kaidan? He leaned forward from his chair a bit. "But there's more to it, isn't there?"

She looked at him again. "Yeah," she told him. "Us." Well, there was the bluntness that Gwen Shepard was known for. Joker was sure that his features had softened as he looked up at her. Was he readable? Was she going to know every inner feeling just by looking at him in that moment? "I feel like there could be something if… I gave it a chance." Did that mean that she wanted to?

That had been everything that he had wanted to hear for a long time but he couldn't shake the feeling that it was wrong. Well, it wasn't wrong, but that it wasn't meant to be. He hadn't left the labs while she was being reconstructed. He had been there for her before on the first Normandy. He thought he loved her but there was always Kaidan. Yes, Kaidan. She deserved someone that could keep up with her. Someone that knew her better than she knew herself. Though that part could be very debatable, he was sure.

"You're too high maintenance for me," he joked. It had hurt him to say it. He forced a grin on his face. She had already complicated the chain of command before and well, she would just be doing it again with him. He wasn't going to be a repeat. At least that was the reasoning he kept telling himself over and over again in that moment. He looked up at her. She seemed hurt. Should he take it back? No, he wouldn't. "Why do you need me when you've got Kaidan waiting for you in your cabin?" Had that sounded more bitter than he had originally intended it to be?

"Joker…" her voice was soft. It made him want to reach out and touch her hand.

"In another life," he told her, "I would have rocked your world."

She laughed. Good, that was the reaction that he was aiming for. He was sure that he even heard a snort in there. He smiled back at her as her cheeks started to turn the shade of her hair. "I don't doubt that," she agreed. Good, at least she realized that too. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Thanks." And then she was gone.

Joker felt his shoulders slump. What the hell had he just done? Was stepping down the correct term for that? He sighed a bit. Was that the right thing to do? Truth be told, she wasn't the same. He had noticed that in the short time that she had been awoken from the Lazarus Project. He didn't have it in his power to bring the old her back. If he did, he would have damn well tried his hardest to.

He had his reasons for his decision and he kept going over them in his head mostly because he was still trying to convince himself. He never let his disease get the best of him and he was sure that Gwen would look past it but she shouldn't have to deal with it. His own stubbornness told him that there were other people out there, that everyone had someone made for them and blah blah blah whatever nonsense that was. Besides, he couldn't compete with love, even if she didn't want to admit it.

"You did a noble thing, Mr. Moreau." How did he know that she…it…was listening? What did an AI know about being noble? He wanted to snap that at her but he held his tongue and sucked in a sharp breath. Okay, okay, he was calm. A small groan left his lips and he turned his head to look at her.

"Yes," he replied. "That's how I'm going to be remembered." Noble Jeff. No, he was just going to stick to Joker. That was a comfortable persona to stay in.

"You don't seem happy about it." Leave it to an AI to be more human than what they were originally intended to be. Honestly, he never understood the use of him. Keep them at a simple VI and keep them away from his ship but things never really went his way.

He wondered what would be an appropriate response. What would be the logical one? Ugh, who was this person inside of his head? Who was this person that he was turning into?

"I don't need to be happy about it."

* * *

><p>They had been gone for two hours. He didn't like waiting but it came with the job…and his condition. Joker strummed the console of the Normandy as he felt like creepy little eyes were watching him. He turned his head to see. No, it was just EDI. "Is there something you wanted to say?" He asked. Why was he talking to an AI? If Shepard could see him now… oh the things that she would say. He sighed heavily. Waiting for the word to pick them up was a little more than agonizing.<p>

"Kaidan is on his way," she told him. Great. Just great. That was what he needed.

He sighed heavily. He supposed that he couldn't hold a grudge against the Staff Commander for long. They were working together and well, he didn't want Gwen to know how he felt. Joker wasn't the type to break regs and had never thought twice about dating someone in the chain of command. He had told Kaidan before that he had loved Gwen. He did. But there was a time when the better man knew his place and it was in that time he knew that he and the Commander could and would never be.

She had changed since Kaidan had come on board. Joker had been well aware of that. She had seemed like the old Gwen back when she first joined the Normandy. Who was he to stand in the way of that? Accepting it was harder than realizing it. Joker wrinkled his nose slightly. While part of him told him to try, another part of him told him that there was no competition. As he turned his head to see Kaidan making his way to the helm, he could list off a dozen reasons why. Still…Joker thought he was the better looking one.

"Staff Commander," he greeted him.

Kaidan stopped short. "Joker…" Was that irritation that he detected?

"It's Flight Lieutenant." Joker didn't know why he narrowed his eyes at the other man. He didn't know why he still had a grudge. It just…came out.

"This still?" Kaidan asked.

Jeff raised an eyebrow. Yeah, he had a point. He held up a hand.

"Sorry," he apologized. That was the best the second human Spectre was going to get. He brought up a hand and readjusted the hat on top of his head. Did he expect anything else from him?

"We were friends once, can't we go back to that?" He hated Kaidan for being a nice guy. He hated him for extending the proverbial olive branch. Joker knew that he was going to have to accept. Gwen would have his head otherwise.

"Yeah," he told him after a moment. "We can." He was surprised that EDI hadn't said anything. It was probably because the thing was watching him. He sighed heavily as he tilted his head to the side for a moment. "I told you how I…well you know but I've come to realize that I will never be what you are to her. She's lost herself, you know? I think you can bring her back."

Kaidan crossed his arms in front of his body before his eyebrows furrowed together for a moment. "Yeah," he replied. "I know."

Joker let out a short snort of a laugh. "Do you?" He asked, half way amused. "Do you want my advice on how to start?" He wasn't going to wait for an answer before he decided to continue. "Stop with the holier than thou act with theCerberus, at least with the crew on the ship because really, it makes Gwen look bad and she's going to need everyone on this ship to have her back one hundred percent." Since when had wisdom ever been his strong suit? He wheeled around to face the Normandy's controls. There had been a smug look of satisfaction on his face because of the disbelief on Kaidan's. Well, the man had to hear it from someone, might as well be him, right? "And…tell her about Dr. Michel." That had been easier than turning down Gwen.

Silence fell between them. "Shepard, Okeer's life signs are fading rapidly. I suggest you hurry back to the labs," EDI's voice had seemed louder. Joker had to stop himself from jumping slightly.

"Copy that," Gwen's voice echoed through. Good, they were still alive. He didn't know why he didn't think of asking EDI earlier.

"I don't like how this sounds," Kaidan said. Oh? He was still there?

"Shepard will find a way to handle," he said. It was a matter of fact for that. Kaidan let out a grunt of a laugh. Yeah, they both knew it. Joker turned his head to look back at him. "So are you going to do what I said?"

"Since when did you become so bossy?"

"Shepard's influence," he replied. It was something he knew that the two of them could agree on.

"Yeah," Kaidan told him. "I am." Joker wasn't entirely convinced. Who was he to call him out on it? He had turned down Gwen's questioning about the potential of a 'them.' Was he going to tell him about it? No. But did he want to gloat, even just a little? Damn right.

"Normandy?" He knew by the sound of Gwen's voice, they hadn't found anything good when they got back to the warlord.

"Right here, Gwen," Joker said.

"Okeer is a no go," she said over the comm. "We've got a package that needs pick up…and it's a big one."

* * *

><p>The airlock of the Normandy opened slowly. The long, loud groan of the door opening echoed through the ship. "Shit Shepard! I thought you were just a Cerberus bitch but you've got balls!" Was that…Jack? He didn't want to know what she was talking about. Joker's eyebrows furrowed together for a moment. The convict had given him an uneasy feeling, not one that he would let be known but to hear her actually sound happy was…odd to say the least. Jack walked by, followed by Garrus and finally as the airlock closed behind them, Gwen made an appearance.<p>

She turned her head and smiled a bit at him. Her red hair was a little wild from combat but her blue eyes seemed brighter from where he was sitting. Shit. This whole thing was going to be harder than he thought.

"The pick up went easy enough?" She asked him as she placed a hand on her hip.

Joker nodded. "Kaidan's down in the cargo helping secure it," he replied. He quirked an eyebrow at her. When she had said they had a big package to pick up, he hadn't imagined that krogan in a bottle would be it. She was worse than a junk collector. "A tank krogan?" He asked. "What's with you and the krogan?"

She grinned a bit as she tilted her head to the side. "Blame Wrex," she replied. He'd rather not. The things that their old crewmate could do to anyone who got on his bad side was better left to the imagination. Gwen looked like she had wanted to say something else but bit her lower lip.

"Joker," she began as she took a step towards him but stopped short. Part of him knew what she wanted to say, another part of him just wanted her to come out and say it. "About last night…"

He held up a hand. "Forget about it," he told her with a slight nod of the head. She had more things to worry about. He was going to add to something else when he caught sight of Miranda.

"Did I hear correctly?" She asked. "You brought a tank krogan?" Her eyes narrowed at Gwen. "We know nothing about it, Shepard. You don't know the risks."

"The Illusive Man wanted Okeer but instead we got his lasting legacy," the Commander countered. "I think that's a suitable substitute, don't you?"

Miranda shook her head and Joker held back a laugh. Where was a camera when a guy needed one? He opened his mouth to add in his own two cents before the biotic princess over there shot him a sharp look that made him close it quickly.

"My ship, my rules," Gwen told her. "Don't like it, go whine to the Illusive Man. I'm sure that he'll enjoy that."

"I don't whine," she shot back. It seemed like under that hard exterior something insecurities laid dormant until the Commander was able to dig under her skin. Well, the red head did have that talent.

Shepard grinned. "It sounds awfully like whining now." Miranda shook her head and walked away before Gwen turned to face him. "You enjoy the show?" She asked as she crossed her arms in front of her.

Joker laughed. "Not as much as you did," he answered.

"I'm going down to the cargo," she told him. "I'm opening the tank." Yeah, he had expected as much.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Joker wondered out loud as she stopped short. He supposed that Wrex wasn't that bad but he had been the only krogan that he had known. It'd be an experience to be around another.

"Do you think I'll get to name it?"

He had no idea what to say to that. "What?"

"I mean it's like a baby, isn't it? Do you think I'll get to name it?" She sounded too excited about the whole situation. It wasn't a bad thing, don't get him wrong. It was another glimpse into the Gwen that they had all known before she got spaced. All he could do was smile at her.

He thought about his conversation with Kaidan and he felt like he was doing the right thing again. She had been upset, different, and well he could make a list of adjectives

"Thinking about adoption, Gwen?"

"Should be fun," she replied with a small wiggle of her eyebrows. She winked at him before she spun on her heels and disappeared into the CIC. Joker brought up a hand and rubbed the back of his neck. Who was he to argue with that? This could work out really well or it could end up badly. He just hoped that they were well armed down there just in case.

"EDI?" He asked for the AI's attention.

"Yes, Mr. Moreau?"

"Keep an eye on her, okay?"


	8. Down and Out

**A/N:** _I don't really like this chapter so much as the others. I'm just going to use this as a transition for the angsty feelings in the next one. It's going to be a little eye opener for Gwen and hopefully a nice change from the game storyline. Thanks to Saga for betaing. I also decided that I'm going to be including post ME2 and ME3 things into this story so it's going to be massive._

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><p>Wicked Ways<p>

_I'm comin' up for air so I can_

_Check myself again and I stand _

_Proven to the man but sheltered_

"_Down and Out" by Tantric_

"You sure you want to open this thing, Gwen?"

That seemed to be the question of the day. Shepard grinned. On her way down, EDI had warned her about Cerberus protocol. To hell with that. If she had to admit, that had been one of her motivations to wanting to open the tank. Though the main reason to open it was because she missed Wrex. A girl never forgets her first krogan. "Remember how I got Wrex's respect?" She asked slowly.

Kaidan shook his head and she thought she saw him smile. "You had the whole cargo bay in chaos," he replied with a nod. He crossed his arms in front of him and tilted his head to the side. "You always had a habit of getting into trouble."

Oh, he thought he was funny, didn't he? "Mr. Play-It-Safe" had been what he was called behind his back on the first Normandy. That was until they started to get close and part of her personality rubbed off on him. She wondered if she had been from a military background if things would have been different for them. She watched as the brief smile turned into a solid smirk. Bastard.

Gwen playfully pushed his arm. "And you think it's stopped?"

"Not one bit." He sighed. Kaidan turned his head to look at her. "Ash was ready to shoot Wrex after what you did." A soft twinge of pain hit her chest. That had been a time when their lost friend hadn't been used to working with aliens. Her views had started to change before Virmire… it had just been too late.

"Ash was always ready to shoot him," she countered with a soft smile. Admittedly though, she couldn't think of a thing that Ash didn't want to shoot.

_She had had enough of his piss poor attitude and him always referring to her as 'human.' So what had she done? Gwen had called him 'krogan.' Wrex told her that he had a name. It had only made her smile. "Oh, I know," she told him. "But until you decide to use mine, I'll just throw you in the same lot as your people, how's that sound?" He had no problem doing it to her. _

"Why'd you do it?" Kaidan asked.

Gwen shrugged one shoulder. "It just seemed like the natural thing to do," she replied. "I mean, you hear stories about how they do it to each other, so why not?"

_Gwen reared her head back and rammed it against Wrex's. She had heard somewhere that was what krogans did when another was out of line. When in Rome… she thought to herself as she pulled away. She could feel a spot where her skin had split open from the impact. Well, she hadn't expected that. Wrex laughed and slapped her on the shoulder as she felt warm blood trail down the side of her face. Her refusal to wince had been fueled by her determination to show this krogan that not all humans were the same. Her own stubbornness wanted to prove that she could in fact take on a krogan, oh the bragging rights she would have. _

_Wrex stared at her for a moment. She watched as his fingers itched for his gun but instead he smiled. "You've got a quad, Shepard," the tall krogan bellowed as he laughed. Such a noise had been unexpected as it echoed through the now quiet room. She believed that it was the start of a beautiful friendship._

"_Yeah?" She couldn't help but smile at him. "Next time we're wrestling."She brought up a hand and touched her wound. Her face was hot from the warm blood. She was going to need to clean it up soon. Ah, just another thing for Chakwas to yell at her about. _

"_Commander!" Ash's gun was drawn. Kaidan tried to get the Gunnery Chief to lower her weapon. "Just say the word."_

_While she appreciated the thought, she didn't think more violence…or more extreme violence in this case, was going to be the solution._

_Gwen turned to her friend and made a motion for her to stand down. "It's alright, Ash," she told her. "I think Wrex and I have come to an understanding."She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Right?" The krogan let out a huff in response. She turned back to the two next to her and made a motion to her head. "Everything settled because I've got to clean this up…"_

Gwen bit her lower lip as she remembered the rest of that night. Kaidan had come to her room to help her clean her cut and seal the wound before the good doctor had caught wind of what happened. It had been one of the moments that helped her realize that she was developing feelings for him. She sighed heavily. The memories would always be shared between them. Was it enough?

"I still think you're crazy," Kaidan said.

A small laugh escaped her. "Look how well it turned out though." One eyebrow raised as she looked at him. "Now stop distracting me and let me open this thing. Be ready though, just in case."

"I love how you add in the 'just in case,'" she heard him say as she closed the space between herself and the tank. Her hand went out as she tried to figure out the controls.

"EDI, give me a hand here?" She asked. The AI helped her open the tank and Gwen took a step back. She watched the barrier lower and the krogan fall forward. She glanced at Kaidan as the tank-bred started to gain its composure. Braced for whatever could happen, she took a step towards him…it was him, right? He certainly didn't look like any krogan that she had seen. She remembered the word 'purebred' coming from Okeer just before he had died. "I'm-" Before she had a chance to introduce herself the krogan charged at her and flung her against the wall.

Kaidan's biotics flared but with his lack of a pistol, that was all he had, though Gwen doubted that violence would help. She held up a hand to let him know that she was okay before she lifted her head to adjust the pressure from the krogan's grip from her neck.

"Human. Female."

"Krogan. Male," she responded through gritted teeth. She couldn't help herself.

"Before you die, I need a name," he said.

"Gwen Shepard, Commander of this ship. I suggest you back up a bit before your life expectancy gets a little shorter than planned," she growled. With that the krogan loosened its grip. He looked at her curiously. One thing that she had learned from Wrex was that they respected a fight. Well, if that was what he wanted, she was sure that she could find it in her to happily oblige.

"Not yours," he told her. "Okeer planted images, names, none of which fit. There is no connection and he has failed."

"Aw, I'm hurt." Her eyes narrowed. The krogan obviously didn't get her joke. Still, she was prepared for what he had planned.

"Gwen, try not to piss it off," Kaidan said. She had almost forgotten that he was still in the room.

The krogan turned slightly. "I wouldn't do that," Gwen warned him.

"Okeer, legacy, grunt…Hmm…Grunt. I will take that. I am Grunt." She was sure that it was the first time that she had ever seen a krogan look lost in his own thoughts. He was like a child; well, if you wanted to get technical he was a newborn, but still... She felt an overwhelming sensation of wanting to pet him, but she resisted. "Prepare for a fight to prove yourself worthy of your command."

Kaidan stepped forward but she shot him a warning glance against that move. "Well, Grunt," Gwen started, "serve on my ship. Become a part of my crew…clan. My enemies will be yours and you will find purpose."

Grunt nodded. "That…will do." Good, she was glad. She would have hated to have to kill him. A small smile spread across her features and he let her go. She patted his shoulder.

"We'll need to find you a place to stay," she said. "Will this do?"

Grunt huffed. "For now."

Gwen didn't want to push her luck so she just nodded and signaled for Kaidan to follow her out. When the door closed behind them, she could feel his eyes burning into the back of her head. She turned around quickly. "What?" she asked. It came out much harsher than she had thought it would.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing? I mean some of the people you're recruiting…" Kaidan started. He looked a little nervous as he brought up a hand and scratched the back of his neck. "Can you really trust them? Two Cerberus agents? A mad scientist? A killer and now an unstable krogan?" The next question of 'who else' had remained silent, but it still floated between them.

Her eyebrows furrowed together as she felt her body almost start to shake with anger. "You should know better than to question my judgment, Kaidan," she said quickly. "But all your doubts have yet to be enough to send you off my ship. Oh yes, let me remind you that I don't put up with insubordination on my ship."

"It's Cerberus's ship," he said. She'd like to hear what Joker had to say about that.

"Under my command," she countered quickly. Her head tilted to the side. "You don't have to be here."

She watched his features twist into an emotion that she didn't recognize. "You keep saying that," he spat at her. "But you haven't kicked me off yet."

Gwen leaned in. "Don't tempt me."

Kaidan laughed. "I don't know why you keep doing this, Gwen," he said. "What are you trying to prove? Huh? That you're a new person? Well, good for you."

Tension whipped in the air between the two of them. She wanted to know why things just couldn't be easy. Was she really the one that was making things hard? His mistrust of Cerberus made her feel like he didn't trust her either, but then why was he still there? She knew the answer. She just didn't want to see it. She wanted to look away but pride wouldn't allow it. The way they kept butting heads made her feel wrong.

She just wished that she was someone else. She wished that she knew who she wanted to be. Those were answers that she had to find on her own, but he was right. She didn't need to keep taking it out on him. Even if she tried to, he saw right through her. She opened her mouth to say that she was sorry but something else caught her attention. Suspicion. Mistrust. It was all written over his face.

Her eyes narrowed at him. "What is wrong with you?" She asked.

"Rumors say that something's going on between you and Joker," he replied quickly. Oh. She felt her cheeks flush with heat as she stopped short in her stride. Well the tug of war that she had been playing was bound to catch up with her, wasn't it?

She swung around to look at him and her eyebrow raised as a small scoff escaped her. "Kaidan…are you…are you jealous?" She tried her best not to laugh at him but it was hard not to. Oh, it seemed like they had come full circle since they had first started a relationship. She shook her head. "First with Liara and now Joker? Really? Are you feeling that insecure?"

Gwen leaned back against the wall as Kaidan's arm quickly jutted outwards next to the side of her head. Her eyes widened slightly at the bold movement. His eyebrows furrowed together as his head tilted down to look at her. _Well he had gotten close,_ she thought to herself. She had almost forgotten how much taller he was. Her breath caught in her throat, unsure of what to say. The way he was looking at her… it sent shivers down her spine. Her knees weakened slightly and she was glad that she had the wall to keep her on her feet.

"This shitty attitude of yours is getting old," he told her.

"No one said you have to stick around," she shot back, but the force that she had intended on having was missing.

Kaidan leaned in and she swallowed hard. "I know," he replied as his jaw set. "When will you get that I'm here because of you?"

Gwen looked down. "Then why do you keep questioning me?"

"It's not you-"

"It's Cerberus," she interrupted.

"I'm just trying to look after you."

"I appreciate the thought Kaidan, but I'm a big girl. I've died, I think I can handle anything Cerberus throws at me." Gwen lifted a hand and tried to push past him but he wasn't going to budge.

"Even if it's yourself?" His voice had seemed broken, lost, and unsure. Gwen closed her eyes. For once they were able to share a common fear.

She drew in a slow and steady breath and wondered how in the world she was supposed to respond to that. "What happened, Kaidan?" She asked. "I thought you were supposed to be my rock."

He let out a small laugh. "Yeah…well…we have our moments," he said. "Listen if there's any truth to the rumor, just let me know. I don't want to stand in the way of anything-" She leaned in and kissed him. He was talking too much.

"All in good time," she told him and then ducked under his arm to make her way to the elevator. It was the only thing that she could promise and she hoped that he was willing to accept that for an answer. She pressed the console for the doors to open and she quickly stepped inside.

Gwen found that she was able to relax a bit more when the doors closed behind her. She sighed heavily and when she was about to press the button to take the elevator to her cabin, EDI's voice rang through the metal room. "The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the comm. room Shepard," she said. Of course he does.

"I'll be right there. Thanks, EDI." She clicked the button for the CIC and felt the elevator lift until it came to a slow stop at the level. The doors opened quickly and she made her way through the armory to the briefing room.

Gwen activated the console and the table before her lowered until it was even with the floor. She stepped on top of it and a vid of the Illusive Man appeared in front of her. He looked up at her with a cigarette dangling between his fingers. A slow smile appeared on his face. Even though she didn't like him, she had to admit that he did have a sense of power even if he wasn't on the Normandy himself. She straightened up her stance and rested her hands behind her back.

"You wanted to speak with me?" She asked.

The Illusive Man took a long drag from his cigarette and blew out some smoke. "Yes, Shepard," he replied. "I believe we may have a break in our little hunt. One of our colonies, Horizon, has gone dark."

"And you think it's the Collectors?"

"Tell me, who else could it be?"

He did have a point. "Does the professor have the countermeasure to the swarm attack?"

"Not yet, but I can get him to hurry up," she replied. He seemed satisfied with the answer. "We'll head there as soon as possible."

"There is a person of interest stationed on Horizon," he told her. "This will give you the opportunity to settle all personal ties before the time comes to go through the relay." The only person she could think of that would have any significance like that was already on the Normandy. Her eyes narrowed at the hologram.

"Who are you talking about?" Concern laced her voice. She had no idea what game he was trying to play, but she knew that she didn't like it.

The Illusive Man just smiled and cut the communications short. Gwen cursed underneath her breath. "Joker, get the crew ready and set a course for Horizon. I'm going to see Mordin."


	9. I'm Sorry

**A/N:** _So there wasn't really a first name for this character so I made it up. Hope you like what's in store. Thank you to everyone who alerted this. Thank you to those who reviewed! LexiXLover3, Letticiae, Isabella Monroe, NobleShepardN7, neon toaster x, dorko525 and RandomWittering specifically. xoxo It means so much to me. I've been bad about replying to all of you and I hope to make up for that. Special thanks to __**Hermia S**__ and __**Saga Svanhildr **__for betaing._

* * *

><p>Wicked Ways<p>

_You say you never meant to hurt me_

_That might be true_

_Do you really think I should forgive you_

_For what you put me through?_

"_I'm Sorry" by Blake Shelton_

The ground shook and Gwen's arms went out to steady herself from falling onto the ground that had been littered with husks, cannibals and Collectors alike. Hands gripped at her armor. Like a living nightmare, Gwen flinched, feeling like it was one last husk about to take her down. But when she looked up she just saw the concerned face of one Kaidan Alenko. She offered him a small smile, and with a nod they both looked up to the sky at the retreating Collector ship.

There was a sour taste of victory knowing that half, if not most, of the colony on Horizon was being taken to God knows where. She closed her eyes and looked away while giving them a silent apology for not being able to save them.

"Shepard," Garrus's voice was light and gentle, firm yet not pushing. Her eyes opened and she looked at her turian friend. They had to go, yes, she knew. The Allisance or any other interested party was going to investigate what happened regardless. It would be best if the Normandy wasn't seeing with the Cerberus decal slapped right on its ass.

"Shepard?" It was a voice from her past. A voice she had hoped that she wouldn't have to hear again. A voice that belong to a face that haunted her dreams that had been so laced with guilt that they became suffocating. Gwen opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. As she turned around slowly, she could already see the looks of recognition on her companions faces.

She had almost forgotten that Kaidan and Garrus were there with her when she last saw Corporal Daniel Toombs. His face was familiar to them, but by the looks of his armor, he had ranked up since they had last seen each other. Gwen had spent some time mourning her squad's death on Akuze but no death had stung her at the time like his had. To find out he was alive, well, she guessed that she could related to how Kaidan felt. It was the worst moment to feel like a complete hypocrite.

"Danny…" she started, calling him by the name she had whispered so many nights before, huddled together to in secret to keep each other warm.

"No," he said, "you don't get to call me that anymore. It's Gunnery Chief Toombs."

"She's still your superior, soldier, mind your tone," Kaidan said sharply.

Toombs straightened slightly as he nodded. "Yes, Staff Commander." There was the soldier that she had known and had grown to care about.

Gwen's eyebrows furrowed together as she stared between the two. She had told Kaidan before that she didn't like complicating the chain of command because of regulations when they first started developing feelings for each other. She had loved and lost in that situation before. That was why she had told him about Daniel. It had been why she had clung so desperately to what they had on their first time and why she pushed him away now. But what she and Toombs was nothing compared to what she and Kaidan shared. Whether or not that would remain in the past remained to be seen.

"Give me a moment with him, Kaidan, please," she asked of him.

Daniel looked like he wanted to say something but the look Kaidan gave him kept his mouth shut. Technically, Staff Commander Alenko out ranked all of them, but as a Spectre, Gwen had seniority on her side. But that never made a dent in their relationship. It was all her doing, which seemed to be a recurring theme in an ever vicious cycle.

"Garrus and I won't be far," he replied. She nodded, knowing that they'd be just out of hearing range but close enough to react.

Gwen raised an eyebrow at him. "So…Gunnery Chief?"

Toombs narrowed his eyes at her. "After counseling, Alliance heads didn't want me gone, thought it'd be bad for their public image so I got promoted," he told her.

"You deserve it," she said quietly. She bit down on her lower lip for a moment and asked him the question that seemed obvious next, "What are you doing here?"

"I was sent here to investigate the missing colonist. Word said that this place would be next. Seems right. They took my squad and left me behind."

"I'm sorry," she apologized and had meant every word of it.

"I guess this is how you felt back on Akuze." His face twisted into an unrecognizable emotion that made her chest feel heavy and her stomach clench. "Vicious cycle, ain't it?" She could only nod in agreement. "Command said Cerberus could be behind these attacks. Working with the Collectors now though, that's a hell of a step from humans only."

"Cerberus isn't working with the Collectors, they're trying to stop them," she corrected him. She tried to keep her tone neutral. Someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder needed to be handled with care. She hated thinking about him in that way, but it was the truth. Anything could trigger an event and that was the last thing that was needed…for all of them.

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm helping them stop these attacks."

"You're with Cerberus now?" Daniel asked quickly. His eyes narrowed, and she frowned. "And Alenko?"

"Will you give me a moment to explain?"

"Hell no, Shepard," he cut her off before she could go any further. "Don't you remember what I told you last time we saw each other? Don't you remember that it was Cerberus who set those Thresher Maws on us?" His eyebrows furrowed together, creating a deep crease of disappointment.

"You don't know that for sure," she argued. "The whole thing was traumatizing. What you saw, what I saw… truths just meld together, but you have to learn from it, move on."

Toombs let out a bitter laugh. "I know it was easy for you," he said before he made a motion towards Kaidan. "But some of us don't have that luxury." Gwen felt like she had been slapped in the face but she was sure that she deserved it. "You died, Shepard, you're not supposed to come back to life."

"I know," she whispered.

"Who knows what Cerberus did to you," he continued while shaking his head. "Who knows who you are now. We know what they are capable of…" Time seemed to slow around them as she watched him reach for his gun. "The Alliance would want you alive but you're a risk. A risk I can't take."

"Daniel," she said his name but as he started to point his gun towards her, she was sure that was not enough. "Toombs, don't do this."

"I can't do that, Commander."

"Yes, you can," she insisted. "Danny, no one has to get hurt." Dying had been on the last of her list of things that could happen.

"I know you won't come in peacefully," he told her. He had her there. She could feel the lump forming in her throat. She felt like she was choking as she tried to breathe. She silently pleaded for him to listen but he wasn't the same man that she knew. She wasn't the same woman from before.

"We can talk about this." But he wasn't going to listen.

"Gwen." It was Kaidan's voice this time. He sounded worried, torn. "Stand down, Toombs," he ordered but Daniel didn't hear him.

"What do you want us to do Shepard?" Garrus asked.

"Just give me more time," she begged. She looked back at Daniel only to be met by the barrel of his gun.

"I'm sorry," Daniel said. No, don't make it sound final.

She just wanted to talk. She wasn't going to shoot him. She couldn't. But someone did. It was a shot that was louder than anything she had heard in her life before. The first sound had almost drowned out the others that followed. Her head whipped around to see Kaidan and Garrus lowering their guns. Gwen looked back at Toombs in time to see him slump to the ground.

"Why?" She screamed at Kaidan. Everything else that she wanted to say was lost on her lips as she felt a small tug against her leg and a pained whisper.

"Gwen."

_Toombs. _

Gwen fell to her knees beside him. Her shaking hands gripped at his shoulders. She opened her mouth to speak and as her lower lip quivered she felt the familiar stinging of tears engulf her eyes. She laid him down gently on his back and carefully removed his helmet. He tried to talk but she shushed him. She could already see the blood forming in his mouth.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered to him. Her fingers raked gently against his scalp and through his dark hair. "You deserved so much better. So much better." She frowned. "It was my honor to serve by your side and may you find peace when you close your eyes."

He smiled at her for a brief moment and nodded before she watched him take his last breath. She couldn't move. She didn't really want to. All attempts to compose herself had been wasted. Big girls don't cry, but hell she'd be a liar if she said she didn't want to. Her chest heaved and it was a battle that she lost as she cried over a lost soldier, a lost friend, and a lost love.

She didn't know how long time had passed before she had been able to pull herself away from the cooling dead body. She glanced at Kaidan, guilt ridden and confused. She looked at Garrus, nervous and quiet. She didn't blame them.

"Joker?" She radioed the Normandy.

"About time, Commander." She felt herself wince. If only he knew.

"We need a pick up," she told him, "I've had enough of this colony for a life time."

* * *

><p>There is a moment in every soldier's life when they were tired of fighting, when they questioned what they were fighting for, and tired of losing people. The heavy feelings of a loss did not do anyone good. Gwen Shepard had thought that she was used to it. She had seen massacres. She had seen death. She thought that maybe she had just about seen everything and that nothing should surprise her. But every day she found herself completely wrong.<p>

"Gwen…"

She had wanted to be alone and thought that she had made that clear enough for everyone on the Normandy to understand. But he was always going to be the one that didn't follow orders, wasn't he? If it had been any other day, she would have smiled. But in that moment, she couldn't find the strength to even muster a slight tug at the corners of her mouth.

She pulled off the breast plate of her armor slowly and laid it on the table. Her fingers gently smoothed out the shirt underneath as she closed her eyes. "What is it, Kaidan?" She almost didn't recognize her own voice.

"I just came to see if you were okay." His voice reminded her of after Virmire.

"_You don't need to worry about me, Alenko."_

"_But I do… ma'am."_

_She turned around to face him. His own eyes had been stained red from his time mourning the loss of their friend. His features were heavy from grief but as he looked at her, he tried to keep himself together. He had asked her why she had chosen him and not Ash. She had told him it was because she couldn't leave him behind. She had done that enough in her career._

"_I… it's my fault," she said, shoulders slumping slightly at her own admission. "I should have been able to save you both. If I couldn't do that, what hope do I have in stopping Saren?"_

_Kaidan closed the space between them. His hand reached out and touched her arm gently. "You shouldn't think that way," he told her. "Ash wouldn't want it."_

_A small laugh escaped her. "She'd kick my ass from one side of the Normandy to the other."_

_He smiled and nodded. His thumb stroked the skin of her forearm and she wondered if he knew he was doing it. He pulled his hand away slowly and that told her that he did. "I uh." He let out an awkward cough and looked away. "If you need me, you know where I am."_

_He turned away from her and she realized that she didn't want him to go. "Kaidan?"He paused mid step. "Don't go." She watched him turn and face her. His soft, awkward smile present on his face. _

"_Alright." _

"Yeah," she told him as she sucked in a long breath. "I'm good."

It was a lie that he would be able to see right through. It was a lie that she needed to tell, especially with her need to close him off. She told herself to stop but she was never really a good listener.

Kaidan moved to stand beside her, turning slightly as he leaned against the table. "I know you better than that," he said as he crossed his arms in front of his body. "And… I know he meant a lot to you." She nodded, unsure of what to say. It wasn't everyday that the man who helped you feel like you could love again shot your first love. Somewhere some poet was mocking her. "Can I ask you something?"

He fumbled slightly with his hands as he averted his gaze away from her. His brow creased as he let out a sigh. Everything about his body language screamed nervousness, hesitation, and worry. It took her a moment to realize why. "Anything," she replied.

"We've been through a lot, Shepard," he started. When he said her name like that, he was expecting for her to get explosive. She braced herself for his next words, talking preconversation precautions to stop that from happening.

"Go on."

"You have every right to hate me for what I did. Shooting him I mean," he said. "But I've never been so scared in my life. When I saw him draw his gun on you, I knew… I knew he would shoot and I couldn't let that happen."

"I know you weren't the first to shoot."

"But I was," he corrected. That didn't sound like him at all. The thought must've been obvious because he continued quickly, "I just got you back and I couldn't… I can't lose you again. It'll be with me but I'm willing to accept what I did if you can forgive me."

Gwen ran her tongue over her lips. Her heart broke watching Toombs die, feeling like she could have prevented it but she understood Kaidan. She understood his reasoning. Logic allowed her to do so but it wasn't her brain that dictated her next actions. It had been her heart. "There's nothing to forgive," she told him slowly. "I believe Daniel found the peace he's been waiting for since Akuze."

He raised a questioning eyebrow. "Really?" Doubt reared its ugly head for him, she could see. Gwen moved closer to him.

"Really," she said. "I can't fault you for wanting to protect me."

The corner of his mouth twitched to a half smile. "I'm glad."

"Besides I feel like I should be the one apologizing," she added.

"About?"

"Not understanding," she replied. "I took it out on you for hiding from me in Anderson's office when I wanted to do the same thing after first seeing Toombs…Daniel…" She shut her eyes and she gripped the table. "I had forgotten how I felt after he died." Her eyes flickered back open as she turned her head to look at Kaidan. "My death must've been hard on you."

"It felt like my own," he said quietly.

"And were you able to move on?"

"I tried." She hadn't expected to hear that from him.

"What?"

A small sigh escaped him. "My friends wanted me to go out with a doctor on the Citadel… Dr. Michel, you remember her, right? It was for drinks but it meant nothing." She understood. "They just wanted me to have a semblance of a life but it wasn't the same." He took her hand in his. "Because it wasn't you."

Gwen gave his hand a small squeeze of affection. "I haven't been making things easy for you."

Kaidan laughed. It was a throaty sound as he tilted his head back a little. She could see a dimple forming in his cheek as he did so. It was a good sound to hear, almost relaxing enough to make her forget about the day and everything that felt like a failure. "Oh Gwen," he sounded amused. She raised an eyebrow. "Do you think I'd still be around if it was?"

She found herself able to smile at him. "No," she replied.

"You know this is just the beginning, Gwen, right?" He asked. His eyebrows furrowed together in scowl. Yeah, she knew. She just didn't want to admit to it.

"I feel like this is bigger than Saren and the geth, bigger than Illos," she told him.

Kaidan nodded. "There's always something bigger around the corner." That didn't make her feel better.

"But it all points back to the Reapers," she said. Reapers… the word left a sour taste in her mouth. If the Council listened to her would it even make a difference? Her shoulders slumped slightly before she picked herself back up. She'd stop every advance if she could because someone had to. Why not let it be her?

"If I wasn't here, I'd be asking if we were even sure if it was the Reapers but after Horizon…" Kaidan's voice trailed off but she knew what came next. After Horizon there was no question about it.

"I know."

A moment of silence passed between them before she heard Kaidan shift against the table and she had forgotten about having to remove the rest of her armor. Gwen brought up a hand and rubbed the back of her neck.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

Her lips pursed slightly as she looked at him. "You don't have to ask me twice, you know."

Kaidan smiled a bit at her as he gave her a slow nod. "Yes, I do." A slow heat made its way onto her cheeks, flushing the pale skin slightly.

She wrapped her arms around him as she laid her head against his chest. She just needed to touch someone, someone who she knew loved her despite everything. Patience was never something that she was good at but she figured if he had enough of it then they would be okay, wouldn't they? She pulled back and looked up at him.

"I don't know if Daniel has any family still back on Earth but I'd like to let the Alliance know so I can tell his family," she said.

"Do you think that's the best idea?"

Gwen pulled away that time. "He was a good man."

"I wouldn't call someone who pulls a gun on someone they loved a good man."

She stared at him for a moment. She didn't want to hit him. She didn't want to yell. But it took her a moment to know what she wanted to say to him. It was something that he needed to hear.

"You don't know until you're in that position."


	10. The Past Hangs Above Our Heads

_**A/N: **Sorry this took so long! I know you can keeel me if you'd like. Thank you to Saga Svanhildr for being my best frand and beta._

Wicked Ways

_We both need forgiveness_

_And we both need to forgive_

_For the past that hangs above our heads_

_And drives us to the end_

"_That Changes Everything" by 12 Stones_

With a grin, Gwen was the last to reveal her hand. Her head tilted to the side for a moment as she leaned back into her chair. The three around the table just stared. Each one of their mouths had started to gape open slightly. She leaned in and used the tips of her fingers to close their mouths. Joker swatted her hand away while Gabby grinned and Kenneth fumed. After Horizon, a friendly card game had been what she needed. It allowed her to focus on something else, productive or not, while they made their way to the other side of the galaxy.

"I thought you were new at this!" Right, back to the game.

"Oh, it's so worth seeing you get knocked down a notch, Kenneth."

"Shut it, Gabby, you lost too."

"Oh, Kenny boy, I think your bad side is starting to show," Joker laughed as he tossed his money towards Gwen. The Commander smiled at the pilot before she turned her attention back to the two engineers.

"Shouldn't you be flying the ship, Joker?" Kenneth snapped which only made Jeff laugh more. He stood and pushed in his chair.

"I'd love to stay for the oncoming show but someone has to dock us on Illium." Joker put a hand over his heart as he looked down at the red head. "Expect a rematch."

She nodded to him. "Of course," she said before he started off.

"Don't expect me to be a part of it," Kenneth added in, "I've already lost enough." Gwen had to admit that she was a bit more amused about the whole thing than she should be. It was nice to see that she could still surprise people, let alone her crew. Granted, the current crew was relatively new, it was still a good feeling to kick their ass while just hurting their wallets.

Gwen grinned a bit as she set down her cards. "Ah, I didn't realize you were such a sore loser, Kenneth," she teased. She winked at the man across the table and watched him blush slightly as his head hung low. He let out a scoff and looked at her.

"Sore loser she says! Take it easy on the Commander she says!" He exclaimed.

"And here I thought she was a terrible liar," a new voice joined the three of them.

Gwen felt her cheeks flush slightly. She didn't have to look up to know that it was Kaidan who had walked into the room. She brought up a hand and scratched the back of her neck before she looked up at him. "Alenko, sir," both engineers greeted him while Gwen looked back at the table. She hadn't known what to say to him since the whole ordeal with Toombs.

"Got room for another?" He asked lightly. Gwen looked at the two who glanced at each other before they excused themselves. "I'm starting to think they don't like me."

She raised an eyebrow as he took a seat next to her. "You still give off the 'I hate Cerberus' feel," she told him. He opened his mouth to say something but she raised a hand to quiet him. "I know you're trying. I know." She didn't dare to ask him to try a little harder. Her lips pursed slightly. "Still want to play?"

Kaidan nodded. "If you'll have me."

"What are we playing for?"

"You."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "What are you playing at?"

A small smirk played across his features as he reached out and took the deck of cards. "It's simple really, Shepard," he started, "if I win then you have to forgive me. If you win, I'll leave you alone and you can dump me off at the next space port." She watched him shuffle the cards as her eyes narrowed.

"That's not what I want-"

"The way I see it, Gwen, is that it doesn't really matter what you want at the moment because we've _been_ playing by your rules and honestly, they're starting to suck," Kaidan interrupted. She raised an eyebrow at him.

"There's nothing to forgive though, Kaidan," she argued. She didn't like the idea of having her love life figured out with a deck of cards.

"Isn't there?" He asked. "The way you keep treating me says there is."

She wanted to fold into herself. She wanted to curl into a ball and close off the rest of the galaxy. "You don't deserve this," she said in a low voice.

"You're right, I don't," he said.

Gwen shook her head. "I meant you don't deserve for this to be fated all on the chance that you'll win," she told him. His boldness had caught her by surprise but she knew that it was warranted. It wasn't like she had given him much of a choice to begin with. "But if that is the game you want to play, then fine. Let's play."

Kaidan had dealt the cards and they went back and forth until they were both sure that they had the best hand, at least that was how Gwen thought things were going. She ran her tongue over her lower lip, knowing that the hand she was dealt was better than the one she had beat Kenneth, Gabby and Joker with. "Well?" He asked. With the choices that he had given her, she didn't want to beat him. She didn't want to see him go. She didn't want… well she didn't want a lot of things but something told her that was the point of this little exercise and it was something she'd have to thank him later for.

"Kaidan, this is stupid," she argued, but of course, he would hear none of it. She looked down as he showed her his hand. She closed her eyes and showed him hers.

"Well," he started. His voice had sounded so strained that it was heart breaking. "Illium, right? That's where we're going? I'll just take a shuttle from there back to the Citadel, don't worry, Shepard, you won't see me again."

She listened to him get up and her hand darted out instinctively and caught up by the wrist. "I told you it was stupid," she said. "You're not leaving Kaidan."

He took his hand back. "Why?"

"Because I need you." It had been the most truthful thing that she had ever said, that she had ever felt.

He let out a short snort of a laugh. "You don't have to say you love me, Gwen," he told her, "just don't act like you don't."

"I know," she groaned. Gwen straightened herself up in the chair before she looked at him. "I know," she repeated this time a little more softly than she would have liked. "Patience, remember?"

"Patience. Right." Kaidan didn't seem convinced so Gwen stood up. She dusted herself off lightly and inclined her head up just slightly enough to where the height difference between them wasn't really a factor. She decided that she liked the new control that he had found, the assertiveness… it was different from when they were together before. She nodded her head slightly before she reached up with both of her hands and cupped the sides of his face.

Her thumbs stroked his cheek bones. Her eyes met with his. Words weren't needed. If anything, they'd just hinder what she wanted to say. Without knowing the right way to convey it she decided that actions spoke louder than words. Her lips parted slightly as she just took in the sight of him. There was sadness behind his beautiful brown eyes and it cut deep to know that she was the cause of it.

What made her breath catch in her throat was the last bit of hope still left, hope for them and it made her smile. "Stay," she whispered. Her voice had taken a rough tone as her chest tightened. She watched his face crumble only for a moment before he took her into his arms. She buried her face in his neck and just closed her eyes.

_Make me feel human again._

She had already asked him once for that and he delivered. Better than she had expected. Even though she had known him so well before, sometimes she thought that she hadn't known him at all and there was excitement in getting to know him again.

Gwen pulled back and kissed him. Her lips landed lightly on his cheek before he allowed her lips to follow a trail along his jaw line to his. His hands landed on the small of her back as he pulled her close. Forgiveness was two sided. That was something forgotten more often than not, and it was something that she needed to be reminded of daily.

* * *

><p>Gwen and Kaidan parted ways and the Commander had hoped to head to her room before EDI informed her that the XO wanted to speak. She almost asked where Garrus was but remembered that it was Miss Lawson that was her second in command on this ship. She asked the AI to alert Miranda that she was on her way and was grateful for the silence that followed.<p>

The elevator came to a halt and the doors opened to her room but she pressed the button to visit the crew deck. The doors shut quickly and she felt the elevator move down. Gwen leaned against the inside railing until she came to a full stop. She hadn't made it a point to speak with the dark haired woman much since being on board. The only time words were exchanged was when they had to be. Both women had come to a mutual agreement on that which suited them just fine. What could have possessed the other woman to break that?

Not that she should be complaining of course. It was only proper of her to get to know her crew, despite inner protests and the unwillingness to be proper. She opened the door to Miranda's office and walked in. The Cerberus Operative didn't look up but she knew the woman acknowledged her presence. _Sure, take your time,_ Gwen thought but waited instead of interrupting the woman before she finally looked up at her.

"You wanted to speak to me, Miranda?" Shepard leaned against the wall after the doors to Lawson's office closed behind her. The dark haired woman looked at her…dare she say nervously? Gwen watched as she pushed her chair back from her desk and stood.

"Yes," Miranda said. "Shepard… I…"

She wasn't going to push for the other woman to speak to her. "Take your time." She had tried her best to keep her tone neutral from amusement. But that had died quickly when she saw the real concern on the Cerberus woman's face. Gwen bit her lower lip and glanced down as she felt a little shame for wanting to tease her. She swallowed hard before she had gained the courage to look at her again. "It's okay, tell me."

"There's a confession I have to make first," she told her. Miranda lifted her hand and tucked some of her dark hair behind her ears. Gwen waited as she felt her stomach twist in knots. Away from Kaidan that moment had been the first time she had really felt human. "The Illusive Man wanted me to watch you, to keep you from delving into your past that would keep you from the mission."

The Commander felt her hands begin to shake. She had no weapon on her and she had a feeling that was a good thing. Her instincts screamed that she was not going to like what she was going to hear. "Miranda…"

"You sent your messages to Alenko, yes, but he never got them… because I intercepted them."

Gwen felt her biotics flare and Mirandas did as well in response but she calmed herself knowing that the two were powerful enough to rip a hole in the bulkhead. "How…"

"I'm sorry, Shepard." To Miranda's credit, she really seemed like she was. "But I needed you to know before I asked you if you would help me."

"What makes you think that I will help you?" Gwen snapped at her.

"I don't," Miranda said simply. "But I couldn't ask in good conscious without telling you." Gwen snorted. "Please, Shepard. My sister's in trouble. My father has found her."

Shepard hesitated as she felt her chest tighten. "Fine," she said, but hadn't liked it. She wouldn't let an innocent suffer due to someone else's stupidity. "I won't forget this." She knew Miranda wouldn't either. But they both knew that Gwen would forgive. She turned away from the other woman, still fuming and ready to leave. She prayed to whatever deity that was listening that Miranda wouldn't say another word to her.

"I've already forwarded the messages to Kaidan's inbox," Miranda said behind her so softly that she almost missed it. She paused and nodded. There was one more room that she needed to visit.

* * *

><p>Sometimes things didn't work out as planned. That had been a lesson that he had learned long ago. Not that he ever wanted to listen, but that was beyond the point. He closed his eyes but the mocking glow of the screen in front of him was still present, fighting against his eyelids. Kaidan ran his fingers through his dark hair as he hunched over his private terminal. A small groan escaped him as he finished reading the last message.<p>

_Kaidan,_

_I don't know why you haven't responded but this will be my last message. I can take a hint. I just wanted to know if you were happy. I'm sorry._

She told him that she had sent him messages but he didn't want to believe her on the Citadel. He had thought it had been a ploy for him to go with her. Granted, things had worked out that way in the end, but she had told him the truth. He had doubted a lot of what she said during their time together and thought that it was her who was being selfish.

"Jesus, it was me," he groaned.

"What was you?"

Kaidan whirled around to see a tussle of red hair. His eyes lowered to find a familiar curve of her jaw line and the lips he had kissed not too long ago. "Gwen… I…"

She shook her head. "Miranda told me she was the one who kept my messages from you," she said as she moved towards him.

"And she's still breathing?" He asked amazed.

Gwen tilted her head back and he watched her throat move as her lips parted to let out a small laugh. His skin tingled just to be near her and he'd never get tired of it. He wanted to touch her but he controlled himself. Even she should be proud. "I may be human again after all," she replied. Her eyebrows furrowed together and her eyes narrowed. Kaidan didn't miss the upturning of the corners of her mouth.

Despite himself, Kaidan laughed. He reached out and pulled her to him. His hands found a home at the small of her back and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. "We're all kinds of messed up aren't we, Shepard?"

"Everything bends, but not all that's bent is broken," she whispered as she brought up a hand and stroked the back of his neck. "We'll be okay, Alenko. I know it now. I hope you do too."

He pulled back to look at her. The tips of his fingers grazed against her chin. "So what do we do now?" It seemed like a stupid question and he wanted to take it back as soon as he said it, but as he watched Gwen's face and the way her eyes lit up he guessed that he had finally said the right thing.

Knowing her, she was about to say kick some Reaper ass, but the words never came. She just smiled at him and pulled him towards the door. "We go to our room," she simply said. Those five words were the sweetest things to hear in that moment.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow mostly out of curiosity. "Our room?" He asked. A mental note was made to make sure that he would either thank or strangle Miranda Lawson later, but he knew he would opt for the former.

"Just because it's in a different place doesn't mean that part has changed," she replied. He wished that he could see her face as she said that but no one would find any objection leaving him in that moment. Things were looking up and he was brave enough to ignore the voice in his head warning him that it wouldn't last long.

Because it never did.


End file.
